I don't like to complain. In fact I hate it. A lot of people have a harder life than I do and I really think that most things about my life should be kept personal. What right do I have to complain when a lot of things are coming so easily to me? But... right now I need some moral support, the kind I can't get with my family, the kind only a friend could give and as I have recently moved away from most of my friends, I can't get their help. So I'd like to think many people on Dokuga are my friends. Even if I haven't been on or posted in ages.

Very recently I've come to the realization that my best friend of many, many years doesn't seem respect me. I'm not going to bore you with the details since I'm actually starting to regret writing this, but suffice to say a toothbrush on the dirty bathroom floor, her throwing my desire to write novels into my face every time she's angry with me, or her apparent lack of confidence that I'll ever make anything of myself kind of tipped me off. They aren't frequent things, and they only seem to crop up when I'm having a depressive bout. I'm bi-polar, and there are many, many times she forgets that. So the times that I'm sad but have no reason to be, and can't explain why, she gets angry. (Aside from the filthy bathroom we share which she won't help clean... that ones all the damn time).

I can't confront her, because for one, I'm not a confrontational person, I like peace and I couldn't argue my way out of anything, and she... well lets just say she could make the most confrontational person cry. For another... if she doesn't respect me then nothing I say will work anyway. I've talked to her before about some things anyway... and they just continue.

She and I have always been like sisters, and I have looked up to her for longer than I can remember. So I don't know what's worse. That she doesn't respect me, or that I'm so blind that it's taken me almost my entire lifetime to see it. I've been losing sleep over it and crying myself sick. I haven't been able to write or draw or do anything. Heck, I don't even know if I'm blowing the whole thing out of proportion.

I'm not looking for advice. I don't know if anything anyone suggests would work anyway. I just needed a bit of a shoulder to cry on... or keyboard to cry on, since I don't have one readily available. Sorry for the inconvenience and thank you.

Please Regard Me Kindly,
I Agree

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through all that. It is difficult sometimes, when one is bi-polar, to deal with confrontational, challenging people effectively. Heck, when one is bi-polar, sometimes it's a struggle just to deal with oneself, right?

I haven't much advice to offer, other than to continue to do whatever you can to lessen your bi-polar symptoms, whether it's therapy, medication, or a combination of both. Perhaps you could speak to a professional about how to handle situations like this? Just a thought.

Please know, though, that you're not totally alone. I deal with similar bouts of crushing depression and sometimes find it difficult to even drag myself out of bed. To face someone who is challenging why I am depressed, or who denigrates my hopes and dreams, just makes things that much harder to deal with.

I sincerely hope that things improve for you soon!! I have always enjoyed your writing and do hope that you might realize your ambitions in that arena. I think you have a talent there that you owe it to yourself to explore.

Wishing you the best...

~~Wiccan~~

I have a few friends who suffer from bouts of depression, and one who struggles with it especially when her hormones are out of whack (a monthly condition ) I'm lucky that I don't have to worry about such things when it comes to myself, but that sometimes proves to be a detriment when I'm around them.

In the beginning I didn't really understand why they were so depressed. It frustrated me. I kept thinking that they should just snap themselves out of it. It took me a long time to truly understand that it doesn't work that way. It's not something they were choosing.

Though you may not be a confrontational person, it's hard to get respect unless you stand up for yourself and for what you want. A strong-willed person is going to have a hard time understanding someone who repeatedly backs down. Sometimes you have to make a little war, because even if you lose, at least your friend will know that you fought. She'll know that this was important to you.

I understand your feelings particularly tonight. I got into a little confrontation myself and I feel particularly emotional because of it. I can tell you though, I'm glad I did it. I'm glad I put myself out there, because if what I need gets trampled on, it won't be solely my fault. More importantly though, I may get what I need and I'll be infinitely happier.

I thank you for your words. It's very good to hear some words of encouragement from someone and to hear that I'm not alone in this.

But I think I may have made a major mistake by either mentioning my disorder or not explaining it well enough. Though I will not discount it as a possibility for my feeling this way right now. Heck, I hate bringing it up because I know people have it worse than me.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar II by a psychiatrist. Bipolar II is basically that I have depression with long bouts of major creativity. I've been put on and off several medications. I currently am off them because any that I was put on made me anxious and unable to sleep. I saw a councilor for over a year when I was diagnosed (and still see her whenever I need her), and she taught me several cognitive skills that have helped me greatly in steering myself away from depressive thoughts. Again since it's kind of minute compared what other people have, I don't even think I should have brought it up, but it was, at the time, the main example that I could think of when she would get angry with me. Which is sad to me, because she was the one who recognized that I had this disorder.

Also I didn't mean to say that I never before argued with her. She and I are such polar opposites that we have fought, and explosively. Usually it takes a mediator for us to talk to each other civilly again, and that's no joke. It's just that I'm tired of it, because no matter how I argue it always ends up that I'm in the wrong. I have never won a battle with this girl.

If I complain to her that she left her shoes in the hallway, it's because I did it last week. If I ask her not to put anything on my papers, she'll tell me not to leave my things around, after all she doesn't leave her things around to I should follow suit. Again, she's GOOD at arguments, she was high schools top debater. Ultimately, everything she does wrong is my fault, and I have never been able to prove her wrong. I say she disrespects me because she KNOWS that she's doing this, that my writing is important to me, that I need her help in keeping things clean, and she's using it against me whenever she's angry with me or whenever she wants her way.

I'm not saying this to make her out to be a bad person, and honestly, now that I'm a bit more clear headed, I regret posting. She is my best friend, she doesn't try to hurt my feelings, and she has a lot of redeeming qualities.

So again, thank you for your words of support, I really did need them, and I am very sorry to have posted while so emotional.

Please Regard Me Kindly,
I Agree

Don't worry about bringing it up while emotional. We all have times we just need to vent things, right? I'd like to think that Dokuga is a welcoming, understanding community where, if you need to vent something like that, people will accepting and supportive. Hopefully, this is the way you see us too!!

~~Wiccan~~

If you guys reach a lot of disagreements, try having a actual conversation with her. Not an argument, but a conversation. Put your cards out on the table, and talk to her. Any relationship, friendship or otherwise. Is one that requires two people with different personalities, to have some connection and equal ground with one another. While there will be disagreements, if you have had a relationship with someone for a long period of time, the two people in the relationship should be able to feel comfortable to talk about anything with one another. Without getting upset over what is said. Talk about your frustrations with your friend. Try and work them out, and if you can't, take a step back and try and see the difficulties from an outsiders view. It usually easier to understand and work out problems when looking at a situation differently from how you normally do. It's a lot easier to understand things you missed too.

I had a problem similar to this with a best friend of mine that was my best friend for seven years. While it's always hard to stop a relationship you have had for such a long time, it's not good to hold onto it either. Not saying you and your friend need to let go of each other and the friendship you hold, but if it does come down to it. It's best to just let go. One thing I learned is, you never fully know anyone, even if they are in your life for a long period of time.Situations and life can get to people and change them. For better or worse, people do change overtime.

Sadly, my friend and I were not able to work out our relationship. Because, well-it was more than just me and her but also some of my family members that were caught up in the drama. But I basically felt as you did, like she had no respect for me. She always brought me down, she treated me like dirt beneath her feet, and when she needed me I was always there, however when I needed her she would rather go drink and party with her other friends. That's when I decided to cut her out of my life. It was a hard decision but now, I don't regret it. She was a very big negative energy in my life, and after I cut my ties with her-I felt a lot better. She wasn't a bad person, we just didn't have the connection that we use to. So as I mentioned before, sometimes letting go is the best thing to do. I do hope that you and your friend work out your problems. Good luck with everything

I've had/have a similar situation to you. I really dislike direct confrontations and tend to avoid them whenever possible. I am currently living with someone who, like your friend, is impossible to argue with. He's convinced that he is always right and will not accept blame for anything (always someone elses fault). However I have a bit of an advantage because for some weird reason my life experiences/self have lead me to having supreme confidence in myself... And virtually no confidence in anyone else (in essence, my view is that I am the most important person in my life because I'm the one who I'm stuck with forever) This means that put downs and the like generally don't work against me. Once I showed the person who I live with some of my art, they had nothing positive to say and so I have never shown them again (their loss, not mine). I generally have a bit of an extreme way of dealing with anyone who disrespects me in a major way - I cut them out of my life completely and never make contact with them again. Simply because I don't believe its worth the stress to keep people who are not going to be good for me around.

Anyway, that's just to show you how I deal with things. Back to not being confrontational: What I often do is let the other person think that they have their way. For example the person in my case likes to try and get me to try different foods sometimes (ignoring the fact that I am allergic to numerous things and thus always have to know what is in something in order to eat it). So what I do is accept the food, then go to my room and toss it out the window, under rubbish in the bin etc so they won't find it. In other words I always find round about ways to still do what I want.

I pretty much agree with what PRVN said: You need to make your friend aware of how you feel and try to get a grasp of what she thinks/feels about it. Then decide what you want to do based on that. In the end I think you have to decide what is best for you: Either you reach an agreement with your friend where you both try to contain things that might be setting the other person off or if she isn't willing to compromise and clearly doesn't care about the subjects you've raised then perhaps think of moving somewhere else for the sake of your own mental health.

(Oops, I appear to be rambley at the moment)

I'm also very un-confrontational. I also suffer from major depression with repetative tendencies, so I can understand about medications and how they can make someone feel. It really sounds as though your friend is not really (I'm sorry to say) a friend to you. It sounds as though she is using you as an emotional punching bag and getting some sort of pay-off for disrespecting you and your feelings/desires/etc. This also sounds like a very toxic friendship that you may need to consider if it is worth salvaging as it doesn't really sound much like a friendship in the first place. Some friendships are better off if they remain at a distance and since yours happens to be underneath the same roof, you may want to consider moving to a place that you can be away from negative influence. Being in a situation that you are so very unhappy is not good for you or for your disorder. Right after I was diagnosed, I was told that in the best interest of my mental health, I needed to get out of the situation quickly. This was one of the motivators for my divorce.

If this person is truly your friend, she would not put down your dreams nor would she disrespect you. The best way to have other people respect you is to show that you respect yourself and the first place you need to start is in the place that you call home. You don't even have to become confrontational with her. Inform her that unless she begins to respect you and to keep her opinions regarding your dreams to herself, you will be giving her notice that you will be moving. If it is your name on the lease, tell her that you will give her three months to find somewhere else to live. You should never feel uncomfortable within your own home.

I think that this is a great place to come in order to vent. The people here are respectful and will listen. We may not agree with each other, but because there is mutual respect, this is a place that we can come to relax. Your home should be the same way.

Ok, I'm babbling so I'm going. But, man...this rocks my socks and not in a good way when someone has to show such negativity to another person just because they think that they can.

I agree with many of these people on here. Your mental health is most important at this time. While she may be your friend do look at the pros and cons of being her friend. I am not a confrontation person myself but if need be I know I can be if it comes down to it. Like PRVN said just talk it out and get it all out in the open and seem what happens. If nothing changes then it may be possible that friendship is not worth saving. A real friend will support you on anything you do not discourage you. As Eleanor Roosevelt said," No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." And I truly believe that. I wish you the very best with your situation. And know that if you ever need help we are all right here! After all we need to vent from time to time!