Her Waiting. by Miss Mamiko

Him

I seemed to be nothing more then a paper doll. Able to do anybody's bidding. I didn't like to think of myself as one, but it just seemed to slip into my mind and settle into it. It was discouraging. I didn't like to be thought of a paper doll. Another thought that had entered my mind was something that I was merely cloned. As if I was a clone of Kikyou that no one cared about, just something there that people could laugh about. I hated this thought too. I guess that's why I took out most of my anger out on Naraku. I guess I just wanted to be like everyone else. To have a reason to hate him, but my reason isn't a real reason. Just a stupid lie.

So, I forced myself to love someone. My love, was Inuyasha. In a way, I had grown to really love him. His attitude was something I could stand. I could stand it all. How he acted, how he treated me, how he treated everyone else. But, there was something I myself couldn't stand; it was his love for Kikyou.

I hated her to the very depth of my heart. I wanted to rip her head off and personally rid of it. I wanted Inuyasha to love me. Me alone. No one else. That's why I cry. I cry in my sleep when no one's around. I can't bear the pain that lies in my heart. It was a sin, I knew this very well. I would cling into the pillow as I buried my face into the pillow. I would pour my heart out, to yell things into the pillow. The pillow wouldn't yell back at me, that's why I continued to yell at it almost every night.

But, I still wanted to be near Inuyasha, to let his silver hair tickle my nose as I rode on his back. I didn't want him to be in pain anymore, that's why, I forced myself to be nice to Kikyou. To do everything in my power to help him. That's why, I found Kikyou when she was sleeping. My emotions raging inside me. Telling me to kill her, kill her now. But my love for Inuyasha forced me to stop, to just stand there and watch her. It was then, she tied me to a tree. I was even more furious at her. It was then, to make matters worse, that he came along. He told her how he felt towards her, how he would always protect her, how he never forgot about her for a single second. It tore me apart even more.

What ripped me into pieces, was when she embraced him in a kiss. I wanted to run, to hide. I wanted to shrivel up and die just there. That's why I kept shouting things at him. But my words couldn't even make a dent in the kiss she gave him. He fell asleep in her arms as she began to drag him to hell. My anger then rose, and she undid my spell that forced my voice to not pierce his unconsciousness. I continued to scream out at him, finally, he woke to my voice. Leaving her to float up into the sky and disappear.

I was furious. I didn't want to be near Inuyasha. So, I told him to 'SIT!' and I went on may way. Jumping into the well to only come back. Realizing I forgot something. I heard him talking how he wanted both of us. That's when he crossed my line. I no longer wanted to love him. I no longer wanted to be near him. But, I'm a softie and my heart once again found shelter in my love for Inuyasha.

How Sesshoumaru had almost succeeded in killing him. I remembered it all. I couldn't stand it either. That's why, I shot an arrow at Inuyasha's brother. I would never forget how he warned me to stay out of the fight. How afraid I was. I wanted to save Inuyasha, but my life was still just as important. Pushing myself even harder, I fired another arrow at him; Sesshoumaru. I think that for a few seconds, I saw something in his eyes. Something longed to get out, something that wanted to tell me something, but was afraid of rejection. So I backed down, not bothering to protect my body from his attack. Leaving Inuyasha to save me. But, it didn't matter. I only wanted to know what was behind Sesshoumaru's eyes. The eyes that longed to reveal something to me.

And then, the next day, I was forced down the well. I couldn't stop thinking about Inuyasha during the day, but at night, my thoughts trailed to that of Sesshoumaru. It kept tugging at my mind. To find him and ask him what was behind those eyes of his. I knew very well I would end up dead if I asked such a question to the Lord of the West. I tried to get rid of that idea as well as Inuyasha when I went on my date. But I couldn't. I forced my mind on Inuyasha, to try and keep myself from thinking about Sesshoumaru. I believed it to be silly that I was starting to grow feelings for the cold-hearted demon. But for some reason, I did grow feelings for him.

In a split second, I wanted to know everything. I wanted to know why his eyes hid something, why he wished for his brother to be dead, but most of all, why he didn't kill Inuyasha. I knew and so did Miroku that Sesshoumaru could've killed him. But, he refused to kill him. That's what I wanted to know the most. But he wouldn't tell me, he would tell no one. I left quickly from my date, pushing myself to worry over Inuyasha's wounds. I didn't want to think about Sesshoumaru anymore. It made my mind corrupted as I thought about him. Was this love I was feelings towards him? No. It couldn't be love. I would never want to feel love to anyone but Inuyasha.

And now, I was back in the Feudal Era. I tried not to think about Sesshoumaru. About what his eyes hid from everyone. I also hid the fact I longed to see him again. I didn't know why, but I wanted to see him. Him of all people. I would laugh out loud at myself and when they asked why I was laughing, I would never answer. I didn't want them to know I actually had feelings for the demon. That would be sheer stupidity and surely it would be embarrassing. I could already fell them laughing at me if I told them. So, I wouldn't tell them. Not even Shippo whom I had grown fond of over the months.

Though, the comfort of the hot springs had left me too. Even if Sango was there, I couldn't help but feel the eyes of someone unwanted fixed upon my bare body. That's why, I always ducked into the water. Covering my body and then find it to be Miroku. But, I didn't believe it was just him. I thought someone else was there, but that feeling came to me quite often now. It seemed to be like an emotion now. Planting its seed inside my body as it grew into a feelings. Numbing my senses as I grew paranoid with fear. I didn't know what I exactly feared, but I feared something, I knew that much.

I continued on with my life as normal, I ignored those eyes of Sesshoumaru. I didn't want to think about them. But, they returned to me. Haunting my very soul as I continued to push them away with every ounce of strength I could find within my body. But one night, the night the jewel shards turned black, tainted with evil, took over my body, I remembered his eyes. I cried out in the inside. I didn't want to see the,. I didn't want them in my mind. I wanted to push them out. I wanted to die. I almost did. But then, Inuyasha was there. He seemed to save me as well as a silver spirit. Now, I longed to know what that silver spirit was. I begged to know who or what it was. Until it became clear to me.

It was Sesshoumaru. I myself couldn't believe it. He had pulled me from the depths of death and forced me to live. I remembered feeling rather embarrassed at this. I knew now; I was attracted to him. My heart cried as I refused to show any feelings for him at all. Instead, I kept myself loving Inuyasha.

The pain now, in my heart is unbearable, but I learn to deal with it. I force myself to smile, and most of the time now, I mean it. I want to mean it. I don't want to smile an empty smile that drips with sorrow or anger. I didn't want that. I know my feelings for Sesshoumaru are confusing me. I know that. I don't even know if I'm truly happy being around Inuyasha. But, I know that as long as my secret is buried and hidden within my mind, locked away so no one can read it like a book, I am happy. I can be free in the world. I can be happy. I can be angry. I can show any emotion I want. Because now, I know my silver spirit will guide me and my feelings to a true place where I will understand one day. One day, and now I wait for that day.