UNCLENCHED by md06783

UNCLENCHED

He stood alone.

On the sandy stretch of a deserted beach with his long, flowing, silver hair whipping wildly with the wind stood the powerful Taiyoukai of the West. He held his face against the wind, taking in the last comforting scent of the sun into his cold soul. The salty sea air stinging his flawlessly pale skin.

It was times such as these that he allowed himself to remember her.

He is the very picture of solitude and strength. His loose-fitted, white shirt opened to the waist flapping with the wind, revealed a beautifully toned chest. It was not muscular. But sleek, lean and feline in its perfection. Always ready to spring and pounce at the slightest provocation.

'Fatally attractive.' He heard her voice describe him.

This was when she first saw him in modern clothes and he scented her desire for him in the air. Since then, he took to wearing human clothes just to make her release that wonderful aroma for him.

His long, elegant legs braced against the whipping wind were encased with a light colored kamisa drawstring pants that reached his ankles. It was not as comfortable as his hakama but she said that it suited him.

'Well, anything you wear looks good on you. It's just damn unfair!' He heard her wail in his mind.

But then, he remembered that she always preferred soft tones against his skin. She said that it made him look like an angel.

'You're more beautiful than I am! Standing next to you makes me feel like I'm your lackey or something.' He heard her melodious voice grumble at him.

She loved his legs too. It was long and powerful, anchoring him to earth and assuring her that he won't just fly away and leave her.

'At least you're an inu. If you had been a bird youkai, I would've been forced to clip your wings!' He heard her huff at him.

But it was she who left. It was her who was the angel and flew away. An angel with no wings. Flew away from him after looking for her for such a long time.

"No courtesy or respect at all. Typical of humans," he intoned to himself as he dug his bare feet in the sand. He remembered that it was she who loved to do this. She said that she liked the feeling of the sand digging against the soft underside of her feet. She said that she could feel each individual grain of sand tickle her soles. She said that it was the earth trying to give her a message through the sand, if she could only dig her feet hard enough to understand.

'Now, now Sesshoumaru-sama, don't growl at me and just remove your shoes!' He could actually see her bending over his feet and tugging his shoes off. Her round derriere weaving in the air in her effort to tug of his shoes making Sesshoumaru want to take a swipe at its roundness.

Sesshoumaru sighed at the memory, regretting why he never did take that swipe. Up until now, his hands still could imagine what she would have felt like against his palms. He shook his head. He also remembered that he had asked why the earth would try to communicate with her through her feet and not with her hands instead.

'Wouldn't that be more logical?' he inquired. 'After all, your hands are more familiar with the world because of its direct contact with it on a daily basis.'

'Well, do you walk on your hands, Sesshoumaru-sama?' He remembered her tone of voice when she answered him. Sarcastic and at the same time her voice was laced in disbelief, like the answer was as obvious as his power or his beauty.

He never wanted to kill a human as he wanted to kill her at that moment. No one dared to talk to him like she did. But he remembered that she was just a human and her ideas were human as well, so he decided to scoff it off as another of her stupid human reasoning. The earth trying to communicate through feet? Really, she seemed to have caught all the human eccentricities possible.

But it seemed that she finally got the earth's message and went off, flew off where he can't hope to reach her. And here he was now, trying to see if she left him a message with the sand. Maybe if he tried hard enough, the earth would talk to him too.

He withdrew his hands from his pockets and brought it against the setting sun. His prided claws. His long, slender fingers. Beautiful weapons that used to kill mercilessly in the past.

"And still can." He snorted to himself.

'Claws sheathed in velvet.. So cliché but it's you. Deadly beautiful, my Perfect Killer..' she often whispered to his ear, her hot breath caressing his cold soul. He could still feel her soft lips tracing the shell of his ear and her wet tongue flicking in its wake. She knew how just how sensitive inuyoukai ears were. But that just excited her more, especially when he retaliated in a more aggressive way that included his claws in certain humanly sensitive organs as well.

But now, the claws that she admired so much were blunt-tipped to deceive humans of the time. They thought such hands dangerous and fearsome, unlike her who found them beautiful.

But it was at times such as these, that he unsheathed his claws to be kissed by the glow of the setting sun. He remembered that there used to be the softest pair of lips that kissed the very claws that killed her brethren. She loved his claws. She said that it made him who he was and that those same claws had killed for her and had made love to her. It had held her and protected her. So she loved these claws. He remembered that she loved the way it gleamed in the sun's fading light. She said that the setting sun gave more color than the rising sun.

'You see, the sun is very generous and hardworking. He gives us warmth and light so we can be comfortable, we can work and grow our food. But he also gets bored with all the work. So what he does for fun is to collect all the possible colors on one side of the world. Then at every sunset just when he leaves for the other side, he bursts them so he can compare, admire and share them with us. He still actually hasn't decided yet which side has prettier colors though..' she ended with a slight frown.

Of course, humans never did make sense most of the time but notwithstanding her idea, he liked to free his claws once in a while. It just so happened that he liked to do it by sunset where the sun's light can play along his razor sharp claws.

He dug his hands in his pockets again. It brought back too many memories of times spent with her.

Sometimes, he couldn't stand his own body. There were numerous memories of her on his body. In fact, there were memories of her everywhere. She was like a bad case of a bug. You can't just shake her off even after a few centuries.

He scowled at the setting sun, irritated with himself and her for all these memories. He remembered that it was the same color of his eyes. She said that she loved the sun because it was the same color of his eyes. Gold that could be so cold as it could be warm. Eyes that looked right through her and see everything that she was and not turn away. She said that she loved his eyes because she saw herself reflected in them as she had never seen herself before. It was her and not somebody else. Only her in his eyes.

His expression softened. Even if she was now only in his memory, he still couldn't stay angry with her.

"After all, these are the only things that I have of her left.." he sighed softly.

The wind blew against his hair. He then remembered that she also loved the wind. She loved and envied it because it was free. She never did know that she was free as he knew she was. She said that the wind was gentle as it was fierce. She never did know that she was the wind. She was his gentleness and he was her fierceness. She brought it all out of him as he did out to her. She never did realize that they were the wind, in the wind, forever.

He shook his head to free his face from his entangled hair. He looked again to the West with longing. It was at times such as these, alone with the wind, that he allowed his mask to slip off. Alone with the setting sun, he allowed himself to feel some measure of their immense sharing that have gone past. Always only a small measure, for if he let himself loose without her beside him, he may drown in it. Then, he wouldn't be able to watch the setting sun anymore as he had promised her so many centuries ago. He longed to bask fully in their love again. It has been too long, too long ago and he was thirsty, so very thirsty for her.

But he was destined to always partake of it only in small measures for the rest of his painful existence. Never again to feel it in its comforting fullness. How long was he to last?

*_*_*_*_*

He once stood with her.

On the sandy stretch of their deserted beach, he had promised her to watch the sun set until he could no longer do so on her last day alive. It was a promise that he regretted at times when he found her absence unbearable to live with. The echoing emptiness that he couldn't seem to fill no matter what he did. The resounding hollowness in his chest that ehoed his heartbeat back to him. But it was a promise made to her and it must be honored at all cost. Thus, he forbade himself to remember except when times such as these came. Times such as these when he found the call of his soul for her to be overwhelming.

"And if I am human, I'd say that I am lonely and sad. But I am not.." he whispered to himself as he continued to gaze off into the West.

Such times used to be widely spaced. It used to be centuries apart. It is becoming shorter and shorter. The last time was some 45 years ago. He thought that the call would lessen in intensity as time passed, but it was the opposite. He wouldn't admit it out loud but he was getting concerned.

He yearned to forget and remember her at the same time. He wished to have never met her but at the same time he wished that he could have spent more time with her. He didn't know whether to regret her or rejoice her.

"Shimatta." He cursed softly, clenching his fists tightly and almost drawing blood. He could feel his heart beating faster and faster with new waves of indescribable emptiness making him almost panic in his skin. He tried to unclench his fists but they wouldn't relax, instead he took deep calming breaths to steady his breathing.

But maybe it was his own fault that he was given the fate to love a human being. He had sealed his heart away for the most part of his life, ignoring it until he thought himself to have none and he was proud of this. He actually used to take pride of the comments flung at him by other youkai such as heartless and stonehearted.

Then, after meeting her and having her, he was hard pressed to ignore it. His control became virtually non-existent to him. His heart, a most irritating organ, pounded and hurt for most of the time. Sometimes he thought that it would burst with happiness with her memory. Then, it would be filled with a bittersweet sentiment that he didn't know what to do with himself. He would then have the urge to laugh and to cry. But since he didn't cry and he had laughed only with her, he did neither. Instead, he allowed himself to remember and relieve each and every memory of her until he couldn't breathe enough to feel.

"A measure of peace, at least." He murmured.

*_*_*_*_*_*

He once had someone angry at him for being as stubborn as Jaken was fanatical.

On the sandy stretch of their deserted beach, he had held her frailty in his very arms and he couldn't do anything about it on her last day alive. He had held her with the same setting sun and with the same wind playing with their hair. His silver hair flowing with her raven hair.

She gazed at the setting sun in the West, always to the West. Her eyes had sparkled with her love for life even as her very force leaked slowly from her. It sparkled fiercely, defying the very fates that demanded her to let go. He saw her battle and ached that he couldn't assist her when she had been there in all of his--gambling and staking her human life for his. He ached that he couldn't do anything but hold her in her greatest battle.

'But all that matters is I am here, correct? That's what she said, that's what she wants..' he comforted himself.

She had laughed at his expression then. She laughed knowing that she laughed at death. She was breathtaking in this, truly beautiful in her courage and irrepressible life. If only his breath could be taken away with hers.

'Sesshoumaru-sama, such a fierce expression should only be worn in battlefields, not on my deathbed,' she had imped at him. She would never know how her words hit home. 'Lighten up, will you? You look constipated.'

Sesshoumaru didn't know if he should be offended or be proud of his woman's courage. So instead, he tightened his hold on her to show his support. He knew of her view of death. To her, it was just a transition of life to another. It just happened that death was the painful door to open that other life. She had explained it all to him. She had even joked about how he should understand death better than anyone since he dealt it more than anyone she ever knew. He didn't want her saddened in her remaining days with him so he had agreed just to ease her apparent anxiety at his non-acceptance of death. He wanted her the way she always was--happy, joyful and fiercely alive.

He stared down at her. She practically glowed in her purity and innocence regardless of the countless battles she had witnessed. Many would have been broken but not this woman--his woman. Instead, it had strengthened her and her love for every living thing. It fortified her resolve to share the joy of life that she found in her own---and he was proud to say, that she found in him.

'If you continue to have that non-expression expression on you, then I won't have anything to do with it. Kami knows that I tried to make you give it up and I will be clean of it! You are stubborn as Jaken was fanatical!' she humphed at him.

He knew how irritated she was with his so-called 'non-expression expression.' But he couldn't help it. He seemed to be born with it and slipped it on unconsciously. She said that it was a sin to hide his beauty behind the mask. She believed that he should let other people appreciate the beauty that Kami has given him. But he had decided that his beauty was only for her, always for her. For she was his beauty. She will never know how he only reflected her beauty. She had given him the beauty that she wanted him to share. How could he share something that wasn't his in the first place? She was the beautiful one, always her.

'I think that you only wear that darned face to irritate me, don't you?' she asked. Her rising ire clear in the way her eyes snapped at him. 'And now, you're also not speaking! Heavens, I'm at death's door and you won't even say a thing! What? You want me to beg you for your voice? Well, you've got another thing coming, oh high and mighty Sesshoumaru-sama, because I won't! It's your loss, not mine.'

She turned away and scowled at the setting sun as if it was the one that offended her. She looked achingly lovely to him at that moment. The light cast her features in relief making her appear mysterious, like she had secrets. He has always wanted to know what her secret was, what she was keeping from him. He disliked not knowing things. He had asked but she said that she had none. He could only smell honesty and purity on her. But he couldn't figure her out, couldn't understand her. He couldn't understand how she could love him so. But since it was the truth and Sesshoumaru honors truths, he accepted it.

The beauty in his arms continued to scowl. How anyone could scowl but remain sweet-looking was beyond him. It was one of the many reasons that he had made her his. All he wanted was to reach down and smooth away the frown on her forehead, make her smile at him and her eyes sparkle. But he didn't. He wanted to imprint her adorable frown in his mind along with all the other expressions that she would grace him with the remaining time they had together left.

It made his chest tighten to think that the next handful of moments were all they had left.

Where had time flown when he wasn't looking?

It was only now that he saw the truth in what the humans said about time. They said that time flies when one was happy. Well, he could verily say that it has flown from him. The four short years he had with her has flown by. Lost forever save from his memories of it. Now, she lay here in his arms waiting until death took her from him.

No, he couldn't interrupt her remaining moments. He will let her spontaneously flow as she was meant to be. She was spontaneity personified. She was his spontaneity. She was his flow and rhythm. His music and his laughter. She was him.

_*_*_*_*_*_

He once had someone cry his tears for him.

On the sandy stretch of their beach, she faced away from him, angry at him at her last day alive. Her anger was justified, he admitted, but he had a motive. He wanted her to be herself for the remaining time without him interrupting her. She must understand that as she understood everything about him. She must and she will.

At last she turned to him. Her eyes solemn and aching. The first glimpse he had of her emotions regarding her impending death. She had been so brave in this. He knew that it wasn't her own pain that was reflected in her eyes but his. She never did show her own pain but reflected only of those around her.

Sesshoumaru's chest tightened. A growl escaped his chest as he hugged her to him, wanting to absorb every hurt she had into himself.

'Do not for I cannot. Do not feel for me for I cannot for myself.. yet.' He silently implored her in his mind.

Her courage, bravery and big heart masked her weakness, making others believe that she was stronger than she really was. But in the end, she was only a small human. If only she had been born a youkai!

He smelled her bitter salt tears and felt her hot puffs of breath against his chest. He wanted so bad to take it from her and be the one to bear it. He was more than strong enough to take it. He was the most powerful youkai alive. He had torn Naraku to pieces in just a puff of breath. He could cover the breadth and width of Japan in less than a day. He could clear a whole territory free of youkai single-handedly and still not break a sweat. But what use was his prowess in the face of her tears? He couldn't even protect his woman from this!

He had never felt so helpless in his life and he hated it. He hated the chains that were his limitations. He hated the fact that he still couldn't tell her what she needed to hear. Their time had been too short. He still wasn't ready. He snarled out his frustration against her hair. Even her sweet scent was failing to calm him.

'Oh my strong, taiyoukai. I know, I know,' she sobbed softly. 'I do not cry for myself but I cry for you. I know you will not allow yourself to shed it so I will for you. My heart aches for you, always for you.' She wrapped her arms tightly around him as she let the sobs take over her. She cried as he had never heard her cry before. Her sobs shook him and shook his soul. He felt as if he swallowed an apple and it lodged in his chest. He wanted to howl to make it come out. His temples hurt and he felt his eyes begin to burn. He recognized the symptoms and he knew that he was about to cry for the first time again since he was a pup still tagging after his mother. He needed to cry. He wanted to cry.

But he couldn't.

He must be strong for her because he was her strength and rock. She needed him to be strong for her when she finally let herself go. So instead, he absorbed all of her sobs into his chest, held her and let himself feel her.

'I am, I am. Hush, now, hush. I am.' he whispered over and over into her beautiful hair. 'I will be.'

_*_*_*_*_*_

He once took the risk of loving a human.

On the sandy stretch of their deserted beach, he had held her crying his tears for him on her last day alive. He knew the risk of having and loving such a one as her. But he couldn't, wouldn't resist. He needed her, needed her love, her smiles and laughter in his life. He needed her life for his own. He had admitted it to himself and he had taken her. Through her, he had found himself and had lived for the first time.

He had experienced life as he had never before. He never knew that the sun could smile, the moon laugh, the wind dance or the trees to sing. Even rabbits sang and danced every winter's full moon. He knew because he had seen it with his own eyes one winter's night with her. She had danced and sang with the rabbits and she was beautiful. But what she didn't know was that all of it was for her, always for her. He was just there to witness Nature pay court to his woman. She was their Mother. She was his Mother and he was her mate.

But in the end, she was still a human. Humans with their short-lived flares of life. It was the greatest risk for a youkai to love one. To give oneself to a human was every youkai's downfall. They lived in a blink compared to youkais and to tie oneself to one would be like committing suicide. Some youkais that were not strong enough eventually lost themselves in their grief and drowned.

But he had fought to keep his heart. He convinced himself that it was only her beauty, her body and her innocence that he wanted. It was only lust. It was only her bravery and refusal to back down. That he was only curious of her because of her oddity.

Then one day, he woke up violently with a start. It was one of those feelings that you missed a step on a stair and you were falling, falling down..

'I am falling. Kuso.' He cursed himself and all the seven hells.

How he fought after that discovery for his newly discovered heart. He had clenched his fist over it so hard that even he wouldn't be able to unclench it. But with only a smile and a trill of sweet laughter, she had charmed his heart out of his clenched fist and up until now, his fist was still clenched. It had not realized that the heart that it was protecting had long freed itself. It was free for her to beat for it, for her to breathe for it and for her to keep it. For from then on, she had taken him for her own.

She cried until she lay quiet in his arms in quasi-sleep. He tenderly dried her face with his claws, wiping every trace of the bitter tears from her skin. His claws trembling in their effort to control his strength and something else. She was so fragile.

Her eyes still sparkled with moisture. But he knew that she was finished crying for him and the sheen of moisture in her eyes were for herself. These tears she would never shed for she knew that he would be the one who would shed them for her some time in his long life.

She lifted her soft hand to trace the markings on his face. He loved her hands on his face, always gentle and tender. He had had little tenderness in his life and he relished hers. He leaned in to her touch, nuzzling in to the warmth that would soon be gone forever from him. The softness that would harden until nothing of her would be left save for those within him. It was his last of her warmth and softness, his last forever.

'I'll miss these, you know,' she said as she traced his magenta stripes and his family mark. 'These and your lips. Even your fangs.' She traced the razor sharp fangs with her fingers, wetting the tips and tracing his soft, warm lips. 'Do you know that they hurt when you bite me?'

He managed to smirk and nipped her probing fingers.

'Ow! That hurt you know!' she smilingly complained as she slapped his arm.

'And I'll miss watching the setting sun too.' She turned to the sun. 'You know why I love watching the sun set?' she lifted a slender eyebrow at him and Sesshoumaru wanted to crawl in her eyes forever.

'It's because it sets in the west and the West is yours. You are the West, Sesshoumaru. The sun sets gloriously, bathing the West in fierce colors, as fierce as you are. It will set in the West forever as a tribute to you and yours.'

She smiled at him and brought her fingers against his lips. She softly caressed the outline of his lips as if she would memorize it and take it with her. If only she would take him with her.

Gently, he kissed the soft fingers, tasting her sweetness and her love. These too would soon fly away somewhere he couldn't go or hope to follow.

'You are the Taiyoukai of the Western Lands, my Sesshoumaru, and even the sun pays tribute to you before it rests for the day,' she said in a hushed voice, as if even she couldn't believe that such a being loved her.

His heart swelled with pride that she would think so of him. Others have said things in the same vein--lords, ladies, kings, governors, youkai and Jaken--but never before was he moved so. This tribute for him coming from her lips, he could taste with his tongue. He knew to be true for she spoke only of truth. This great woman honored him and for the first time since his father entrusted the Western Lands to him, Sesshoumaru felt truly honored.

_*_*_*_*_*_

He once sat with a woman in his lap who loved the wind.

On the sandy stretch of their deserted beach, she played with his hair on her last day alive. He shivered as she dragged a hand through his hair. His silvery-white strands tangled with silky raven ones. He would miss the sight of his silver hair shot with black. He had always favored white and red and gold until he met her. With her, he had learned to appreciate the beauty of black. He had learned to worship her blue-black hair and often told her of her midnight beauty. He loved to watch her turn bright red with his whispered adoration in her little shell ears as they lay tangled and spent under the watchful moon in the night sky.

'I will also miss the wind. It blows and blows, gently and fiercely. Never the same,' she said as she stroked through his hair. She looked pensive as she entwined their hair together.

'Look Sesshoumaru, our hair looks good together, as if it belongs to the same person,' she said wistfully. 'Maybe if we had a child, this would be how his hair would look like,' she breathed. Her eyes turned inward and held a faraway look. He saw pain slash across her eyes, her eyes that were not meant to hold such. He knew what she was regretting and he couldn't bear it.

'Don't.'

Startled at the sound of his voice, she looked up at him. Question in her lovely eyes. Eyes that will haunt him for the rest of his long life, in his waking moments, in his dreams, in his every single moment of existence. He will look into every female's eyes searching for her unique stormy blue orbs, expecting every single one to be hers but every time, he would turn away disappointed.

'Sesshoumaru?' his name a soft whisper against his ears. It caressed his soul and stirred his heart. He realized that no has ever really called his name before. Yes, others have called his name but they needed the Taiyoukai and not him. It was only her that ever really needed him. She was the only who ever needed Sesshoumaru.

'Sesshoumaru?' she called again.

He couldn't answer. He stared into her stormy blue eyes. Her eyes were filled with all the love they will have shared for eternity. He wanted to tell her the truth of himself that he found in her but his eloquence seemed to have deserted him. So instead, he kissed her. He told her with his lips and tongue that he was content with what she had given him, with what they have had together. That she had made him truly happy as no one had ever had and no one ever will. That she was his contentment, his happiness and his peace. She was simply his.

He kissed her with everything he had in him until she cried. Caressing her lips as he sought to memorize its softness. The last pair of lips he will kiss until he could find them again, along with the same stormy blue eyes and fiery soul. He promised with his lips that he would wait and wait and wait until he would go through the same door she will go into, where she said she will wait for him patiently, where she would patiently love him, only him and always him. Until he could go to her, only to her and always for her, he would search and wait.

He told her everything that he couldn't bring himself to with his kiss. He knew that she understood and he ached for her all the more for her understanding. She sighed against his lips. Her soft feathery breath going into him and heating his very soul.

He kissed her fiercely, bruising her lips as he sought to breathe into her his own force. He molded her soft pliant body against his hardness. He felt as if he had never really kissed her before, never really tasted her, never really felt her. He felt that maybe his very fierceness may hold her to him. He laced one of his arms tightly around her as the other one gripped her hair to keep her steady as he sought to feel her, feel her soul with his lips.

She strained against him, seeking his strength as she clung to him in his fury. She responded in kind, her tongue and lips battling against him as she poured everything she had into her kiss. She was kissing his soul, telling him that everything will be alright and that she would wait too. That everything was alright, everything was alright, everything was alright.

He growled against her lips as she sought to come up for air and he tightened his hold on her. His eyes bleeding red as he continued to kiss her furiously. His youkai was close to the surface. It was grieving too. It knew that their woman was fading and it didn't want her to fade. His youkai nipped her tongue to hold her steady. It was beginning to become furious as their woman continued to struggle. But the youkai came to its senses when it tasted her sweet blood.

His youkai whimpered and loosened its hold on their woman, expecting to be reprimanded. But instead she just hugged him and kissed him softly.

'Shh.. It's alright, everything will be alright. I love you, my Sesshoumaru-sama, I am yours..' she breathed into his ear.

His youkai calmed and his eyes returned to its molten gold. He marveled at her tenderness and despaired at how he could ever let go. He wanted to roar out his frustration and rip something. But instead, he wrapped himself around her small fragrant body and inhaled her sweetness into himself.

She settled comfortably against him. Her soft body molding against him. Even in her condition, she still smelled good, of watermelon and the fresh, crisp morning air of the summer. He breathed deeply of her scent wishing that he could bottle it up so he could keep it with him. Something to ease the long, eternal years ahead.

Sesshoumaru listened to her heartbeat as it beat a little harder for a few minutes and settled again. It sounded as if it was fending off the inevitable but was losing. It sounded weaker to his ears. He knew the time had come and he tightened his hold on her.

She yawned widely. 'I'm sorry, Sesshoumaru. I know that this will hurt your pride something fierce but you are about to become a big, fluffy pillow again,' she smiled apologetically at him. 'But I swear to you that you are doing an impeccable job as you always do,' she said as she actually thumped at his chest and tail to get a comfortable position.

He watched her intensely, letting her live her last moments uninterrupted. She was like the setting sun, she was casting her most glorious colors in her last moments. Never before has she been this exquisite for him as she smiled her most glowing smile. But he heard her heart beat a little slower.

'But before I nap, I forgot to tell you what I will miss the most. Can you believe it? I forgot the most important thing in my life,' she struggled to say. Her breath was coming shorter and more painful for her to draw.

She looked deeply into his eyes. Her soul drawing in her last reserves as she glowed her last colors into her words. She took a deep breath and whispered fiercely as she clutched at him, 'I'll miss you.'

She sagged then and he felt himself go cold all over. Her heart was thumping thickly in his ears. It was like the sound of a desperate animal as it thrashed in its death throes. But still, she had something left.

For the last time, ever the fierce fighter even at death's door, she smiled into his eyes. Her eyes full of joy and love, and all of it was for him. 'Will you miss me too, my Sesshoumaru?'

_*_*_*_*_*_

Then, he stood alone.

On the sandy stretch of deserted beach with the setting sun paying tribute to her colorful life, with the wind howling their lament and the sea crying all the tears he could not shed.

The last word on her lips was his name. It was her last caress, her last and greatest gift for him. It was so long ago that his hair would have turned white and have all fallen off if it could.

But even so, he still couldn't bring himself to forget her. She has thoroughly imprinted herself into his very soul. Him and her both, they had imprinted her into his soul. It was as if they knew how short a time they had and had worked to imbed her into him. So he would not forget, never forget.

He had roamed far and wide but he had not found peace or satisfaction. It was her that he wanted, always her that he looked for. Nobody measured up.

This was why he always returned to this beach where her soul entered that door. She might come back. She might come looking for him and not find him there. She might be missing him and crying for him. He had never liked it when she cried and so always and always, he came back. The door might open by some miracle and let her back.

Sesshoumaru knew he was being illogical but one never did know.

Besides, he had nothing left to lose.

He clenched his fist.

He felt his sharp nails bite into his soft flesh even as he smelled blood. Physical pain he could withstand but this..

Countless times he had wished that he had never met her and he was wishing it more so now. The pain just wouldn't go away no matter what he did.

He had lived with his clenched fist for so long. Even when she had charmed his heart out of it, his fist had remained clenched. She had given everything to him but he couldn't let go. He couldn't even tell her what she meant to him. He knew that she understood even without words. She said so. But even so, he had wanted to tell her. But his last chance had been taken from him.

It was only after her last breath that he found the strength to unclench his fist and let go.

Sesshoumaru remembered that day vividly for he had the first taste of bitter regret.

Sesshoumaru sat still, looking down on her peaceful smiling face. Her heartbeat getting fainter and fainter. For a long time, he just sat there looking at her, expecting that any moment she'll open her eyes and smile.

Then, he couldn't hear her heart anymore.

Sesshoumaru pushed her hair behind her ears and smoothed his fingers on her smile, her soft and warm lips that have held so much passion for him, the long smooth column of her neck and the soft swell of her breasts.

Never before had Sesshoumaru felt such in his life.

He had whispered his reply but she didn't respond. Then he said it out loud but she still didn't reply. He then commanded for her to hear him, threatened and got angry until he finally asked and begged but to no avail.

She was gone.

He was left to tell it to their beach which will not laugh in joy and respond in kind. Never in his life has he felt so much pain and regret. He wanted to let go, to retreat and let his youkai loose. He almost did. He was already snarling his rage and hurt when he smelled her blood. He had actually punctured her skin in his loss of control and Sesshoumaru immediately calmed down.

He stood up and waded into the sea towards the setting Western sun to do what she wanted of him. She wanted to be free, she told him and so he will make her free. He swam and faced the strong waves as he clutched her body against him. The stinging salt sea water washing into his eyes and made his eyes cry.

Sesshoumaru broke that day. He cried into the sea, he cried with the sea, he made tears with the sea.

He was never the same again.

"This Sesshoumaru broken by a mere slip of a human girl," he scoffed at himself as he toed the sand which still contained the salt crystals that were his tears.

Sesshoumaru sighed and started to walk back to the cottage he kept by the beach. He stared at the lone set of footprints on the sand. There used to be two sets, one smaller than the other but always beside each other.

There had been a time that the smaller footprint was a ways behind the larger one until she put him to rights.

'Hey you listen here, oh high and mighty Sesshoumaru-sama, you and I are partners now. Mates. Meaning we are equal in every way. You accept me for what I am as I do you. So no more of this me walking and standing behind you anymore, okay? From now on, you are to pace by me, beside me. Besides, I like holding your hand.' It was a rebuke but an expression of love at the same time that he couldn't bring himself to chastise her for speaking so to him.

Sesshoumaru closed his tired golden eyes and turned to the setting sun paying tribute to him and to her. He knew that there were countless more sunsets that he had to watch alone. Countless more sunsets that he would retrace the lone set of footprints back to his cottage. Countless more sunsets that he would stand alone.

Sesshoumaru knew that he wouldn't be able to bear anymore of this. He was already dreading another bout of remembrance. It has only been 45 years since the last call to his soul. The time in between was getting shorter as the call was getting stronger. Sesshoumaru wondered how long he could withstand his longing before he drowned.

Drowning. It would be a relief to escape with drowning himself in the call but he had promises to fulfill. Who would watch the sunsets for her? Love the wind? Dance with the rabbits? Wait for her on the beach?

"I may well be drowned by now.." he sighed as he looked towards his lonely cottage.

He had long since admitted of his need for her, ever since the day she went through that door. Sesshoumaru had unclenched his fist that day, on the sandy stretch of their beach as he howled out a tribute to his mate.

Sesshoumaru sighed as he began to trace back his footprints to his cottage, his long silver hair flowing behind him. The cold wind stinging his pale cheeks, making his eyes water and whipping his hair around him. It was times such as these that Sesshoumaru confided to the wind, to the fierce and gentle wind that she loved so much as the sun paid tribute to the West before it rested for the day.

"This Sesshoumaru will miss you for always, my Kagome."

-END-