Against that wall my hungry memories press

To reach back to the time that was my heart.

"Lost"- Stephen Spender

Countless number of photographs,

Papers with his name,

Notebooks filled with our history,

It's all driving me insane.

Do you know that I miss you,

And think of you every night,

You haunt my dreams with your presence,

Yet thrill me with your sight.

I find myself remembering you,

Your sudden guises all seem strange,

Do you still hum when you read the paper,

I wonder how much you've changed.

I want to know your affection,

I hunger for your touch,

Even though we've been apart for so long,

God, I still miss you so much.

I yearn to ban you from my thoughts,

It's useless to dwell on the past,

I long to focus on just the future,

How long will these feelings last?

I was blind to your shameful gaze,

My ignorance had been bliss,

Until all the promises I found to be lies,

When I tasted her in your kiss.

Haunted by bitter sweet memories of betrayal,

And mocked by the wasted years,

I beg of you, be happy and smile,

For I am not worth your tears.

When she senses you shiver beside her,

In the innocence of the night,

That's my forgotten spirit caressing you,

With bitter feelings of delight.

I sense your hot stare upon me,

Your cold breath across my cheek,

And the memories come in sorrowful surges,

So powerful I can't speak.

My icy fingers of jealousy,

Are frozen with desire,

Only you can resurrect my dormant emotions,

You are my one true fire.

This discontent consumes me,

When her fingers stroke my face,

Her meaningless touch leaves me unbearably empty,

How I long for your saving grace.

I hope you drown in your vanity,

I pray she was worth it all,

For while I stumble through the memories,

It is you who will take the fall.

Is it natural to feel so alone,

When you have found someone new,

She is all that I should ever want,

But all I want right now is you.

When we made love every fiery night,

Whose face did you really see,

This vile doubt consumes my soul,

My heart longs to be free.

She's not who I believed to be,

Her beauty doesn't match her soul,

From her lips, scorching with false passion,

To her eyes that burn so cold.

I can feel your decadent longing,

There's ice within your veins,

Hollow love cannot mend this wound,

Only I can heal this pain.

In her arms I grieve your touch,

And like an unrepentant sin,

I remember the caress of your fingertips,

Tracing hot paths across my skin.

I can see inside your soul,

When you lay her down to sleep,

And secretly I know it's my essence,

That you crave to keep.

When she tells me of her love,

I imagine you at my side,

For the words you spoke were pure and precious,

I knew you never lied.

Her kisses are hungry, her promises empty,

Everything is so untrue,

I hear your prayers, but I can promise,

She'll never love you like I do.

I detest this innate wanton enticement,

Our meaningless ardor spawns regret,

We will recover from this lost relationship,

It is you that I won't forget.

You have it all, or so you think,

You can't understand how you feel,

Beauty's affections leave you bitterly weak,

That's because my love was real.

I drown my sorrows in warm bodies,

And fill my head with wine,

The proclaimed caring souls all have lied,

My suffering has not eased with time.

My content smiles are wretchedly forced,

I'm through with this compelled hate,

I damn myself for this undying love,

And I loathe my heartbroken fate.

What happened to the man you held dear,

And the lover you once adored,

The cursed truth creates my hellish misery,

You are not mine anymore.

I only want you to be happy,

Even if I can't call you mine,

In your presence I will contentedly smile,

And later cry for the one left behind.

I taste the tears you have cried,

I know that this is true,

I do not deserve your lamenting mercy,

Above all, I'm not worthy of you.

Countless number of photographs,

Papers with her name,

Notebooks filled with our history,

It's all driving me insane...