Punish Me by OnyxIvyStone

Punish Me

I look up at him,

Silver and amber and crimson and silk,

Fine lines that speak sharp colors,

Diana's face peeking in a rare shade of blue,

He is my eternal companion.

I did not choose him.

I did not ask for him.

I did not want him.

I walk with him for there is

No other to stand beside.

Death swallowed my heart.

In shades of black and deep purple,

He crept upon us slowly,

Murdered beloveds,

Friends,

Children...

The last is what broke both of us.

We were parents once.

We were protectors once.

We were part of a family once.

Small, fragile families

That were shattered by one

Whose blood was similar to both of ours

Mixed through hatred and wrath

Where his brother's,

My companion's brother's,

Had been mixed through love.

I loved him.

I am betraying him now.

Betraying him through the comfort his brother brings me.

He would hate me if he knew.

If he'd lived to know.

Do you know what it's like to be given eternity,

Granted forever,

When your only company is a man,

A Lord,

Who once sought your death

And whom your best friend,

The Lord's brother,

Would have rather torn to pieces than spoken to?

I didn't want this life.

I didn't want to live this way.

I didn't want forever,

Not the way that I have forever.

I wanted his embrace to be his brother's embrace.

I wanted his touch to be his brother's touch.

I wanted his kiss to be his brother's kiss.

I wanted...

I wanted...

I wanted what I will never have...

And he...

He makes me need him.

His embrace is strong enough to hold me when I cannot stand.

His touch is enough to soothe me when the ache is too much.

His kiss...

His kiss is what dreams are made of...

And everything else that is his...

Everything that brings me guilt for having

When I know

When I understand completely that,

If he were here...

If his brother were here,

He would hate me for needing him

The way I never needed him while he was standing,

Crimson clad,

Beside me.

The earth is claiming them.

It should be claiming me, too.

I will never be claimed as my new companion will never be claimed.

We are eternal now,

Chosen before our births for a destiny that spans until the end of time,

And all we have is each other.

There is so much guilt in that.

So much pain in that.

So much I almost wince.

So much I begin to cry.

He looks down at me,

Wraps his arm around me and cradles me.

Leans to me and kisses me.

Whispers against my lips the query,

"Why are there tears?"

I cannot answer at first.

He kisses me again and I sob.

"I feel like I should be punished."

I reply and meet his confused gaze.

"He would hate me if he knew...

If he knew that we are...

That you bring me solice.

I'm not made for eternity.

I'm not made for all of this.

I'm not made for it and...

I don't think I can survive it.

I feel like I should die and go to hell so I can be punished.

Punished for still living.

Punished for surviving.

Punished for being happy..."

He is silent for a moment.

And then he speaks.

"If you died,

You would not go to hell.

You would be reborn.

You would forget your guilt.

To live in such pain is your hell.

Stay with me and endure it.

Do not end yourself.

That would be mercy."

I stare at him in disbelief.

He leans and presses his brow to mine.

My tears fall more freely.

Pain will not fade.

Hurt will not subside.

Guilt will not end.

But he...

He can force me to endure it.

I close my eyes and shudder as his arm tightens around my hips.

"Punish me."

~

This is what Ivy does when she has writer's block. She writes angsty poetry about her characters because she can't pull another chapter out of herself for any of her incomplete stories and is sick and tired of editing "The Choices We Make" at least for a few days. Bleh.

Peace.

~Ivy