As I’m getting older by are_en
Chapter 1
Author: are-en1
Title: As I'm getting older
Disclaimer: Yeah, I own Inuyasha (Back to work in fixing the time machine) Well, after I fix this old machine I WILL claim him as MINE Bwahhahahahh .But for now I have to deal that they are not mine but own by Rumiko-sama. Just wait till this baby is ready then I –BOOM- (Koff, Koof) I should... have listen... to my.... consciousness (Faint)
Summary: "As-as we getting older, will your love for me faded with time?"."No, This Sesshomaru promises to love you forever". "Then promises to forget me for you own happiness". "This Sesshomaru will not promise you that" Sess/Kag- END
A/N: Well, I... have nothing to say. Mainly it will be Sesshomaru POV urm and my English is bad so please don't comment on that. As always ONLY THE STORY BELONG TO ME!!! And urm, review are welcome but NO flames please. I didn't buy fire insurance yet.
A/N 2: OMG!! What happened to my fics? It deleted itself with all the moving the site. –Sigh- So I am RE-POSTING AGAIN my fics (2 of em has gone kapoof!! Lucky I have back up ^_-). =) Most of you probably read it already but hey, WHERE's my fics gone too???? Oh yeah,I am editing here and there. Mostly to ensure this fic is ok. You know with my bad grammar and all =) Anyway... N-joy it .
"Talk"
'Thinking'
FLASHBACK/END FLASHBACK>>
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I watch the wooden door with less than interest, the carving of the door was made by the hand of one of man that had many experience in life, it creation on the surface of the door did not catch any of my attention even for a minutes. The way gold adore in every line of the craft and how the forest background craft at the wooden door that many people adore and envisions of the craftsman ship was not the one that catch neither my attention nor making me stand infront of the door to stare at the oak wood minutes ago.
No, it was the person that lay behind the door. The person that I've been denied for so long. Will she let me saw her today? I've been denied for several years now to see her and by gods how I miss her laughter, her smiles, her voice and her smells. I've even welcome her anger right now if only she let me see her today. My hand already at the oak of the door, ready to push it open.
I've have to oblige her whishes of not seeing her. It was her request for me not seeing her behind the door 10 years ago. So I fulfilled her wish as she wanted to, if that made her happy. This Sesshomaru will do as she pleases. Had she want this Sesshomaru heart now, I will gladly stab my heart with Takojin and handed to her myself before my dying breath. She is my world, she is my life, she is my love...
She is my mate.
But today, today I can take it no more of these tortures. I can't take how quiet this palace is without her laughter in the garden playing and joking with our children's. With the way she was running in the palace ground chasing the annoying Jaken for doing something stupid keep flashing in mind eyes. It was so long ago her childish antic manages to distract me from my daily basic routine yet it's feels like yesterday she entered my life.
I can't take it to hear her voice from behind the door but not seeing her directly. I can't take it without her by my side.
"Kagome, May I come in?" I asked, but she should know batter. Even she denied, this Sesshomaru will persist to enter but I will never break my vow to her. I wanted to see her, yes. I wanted to see her so badly that I will beg in my knee for her to allow me to see her just this once. I miss her tribally.
There were silence before I heard loud intake breath then soft cough that makes me worry and my heart beat faster, 'Only you Kagome. Only you can make me feel this way'
"Ah... Sesshomaru. Come in" She said with horse voice.
I let my sigh of relief that she wanted to see me today. After 10 years waiting, missing her present. It was like an eternity for me and crush my heart that she had avoid me this far. This Sesshomaru didn't not know why she keeps herself in this room and avoid everybody except our child and grandchildren that visit us once awhile. But never me. She did not want to face me. It all start 10 years ago and up until now, no matter what this Sesshomaru think, he had never know what he had fault her so.
Is not that I didn't want to see her, I have request it many time yet time to time she reject it. And if not for my words that I have given, I should have not hesitated to ripe that door apart. Yet, this Sesshomaru is anything but not honor. I honor her request and given my words I will not come without her permission. Conversation trough the door and not seeing her face was not enough anymore to me. I have become greedy in time. Greedy for her attention. Patient was not the key anymore. Not when she keep refusing me this 10 years.
I exhaled a deep air and prepare myself as I pull the wooden door and steps inside.
There she was my life, my world, my love, my mate. Sitting in the wooden chair with her back from me and she was facing the window, letting the setting sun beam shining in her cover face. Wearing the dark blue large cloth that hide her figure, black vial to hide her face and hair and a pair of black glove hiding her hand. And a stocking she knitted long ago in her feet. I've hardly know if this is truly SHE, my mate. The women I fall in love with all this time. If had not been for her smell of Sakura and lavender. I would say she was an imposter posting her.
But no, her sense was anything but unique and only SHE can have this pleasant smell.
Her soft coughing caught my attention and I skied towards her with the graceful movement that I have known for.
She turns half way to me and patted the sits infront of her.
Taking the invitation, I sat and look straight in her veil face.
For many years I wish to see her, imagining when the time she will permit me in here, her room.
I imagine I will hug her, kiss her all the over her face, showering my love for her.
Yet here I am, nervously sitting infront of her without doing anything than stare longingly in her vial. Wishing that she would tear the vial up and let me stare directly in her brown eyes that I have miss all this years. Unsure next steps as what I was about to do to express my loneliness without her by my side.
"How are you doing Sesshomaru?" She broke my mussing with her soft voice. Softer and huskier than I remember. It was like she was not drinking for few days.
"Koi, if you must really know, I am lost without you" I said, my face soften and I held her cloth hands. Heard her inhaled sharp breath and I can FEEL she was smiling behind the dark vial.
"At lass, I'm sorry love that I have not been able to be by your side. Or be with you" She pause, patting my hand once awhile, "My... condition did not allowed me to be by your side anymore" She finish softly.
And it tore my heart to see the women I fall in love to being reduce until this person. This person was not as same as the person I've fall in love too. No, she was different, wiser, quitter and more resistance than the girl I've fallen inlove too. Was this why she why away from me? Hide from the world. Hide from me?
"Koi..."I try again just to be cut off.
"Did you, did you remember the first time we met?" She asked with uncertainty in her voice.
I smiles, so it was not all loss. She still has the shyness that I adore her before. Still have the uncertainty of my feelings towards her, "How could I forget? How could I forget the brave women that manage to stand this Sesshoamru wrath and manage to put this Sesshomaru where he belongs? How could I forget the strong women that never fears any challenge and face the death itself times to times again just to ensure that others safe before her's? How could this Sesshomaru forget the young naïve women that think everything will turn alright in the end. How could this Sesshomaru forget about the young women that have heart larger than the one inside to see anyone fault and forgive, to care for not only human, but Youkai and Hanyo alike as a not but a family. How could I forget, the love that shine in her eyes as bright as the sun that shine the earth yet keep it to herself and willing to let go of her most love one to another because she was thinking about everyone but herself, happiness. How can I forget the brave and magnificent women that stood proud defeating the most evil vile creature ever existed and won but at the end to cry for his death in the end? How could I forgotten all that?"
"Is the young women in your memory is different from the women you see in this sits now?" Her fragile voice asked.
Silence blanket us for awhile as I move my fingers from her grabs hand, trailing her clothed cheek, "This Sesshomaru wonder if the women he had known had gone from his reach when she shun herself from everyone 10 years ago." I whispers, "But this Sesshomaru is wrong. Because I know, she still lives inside"
Kagome sniff a bit, "You still have the sweet mouth my dear" She replay rather brokenly.
"Only to you Kagome, only to you." I pause, "Why you shun yourself from everyone Kagome? Why you shun yourself from this Sesshomaru? Had this Seshsomaru do you any wrong?" I can feel the wetness that already seep in the vial and smell the salty water knows that she was crying.
She sobs, "I didn't mean too Sesshomaru. I was just trying to protect you"
I frown confuse, "Protect me from what Kagome?"
There were long silence before she brokenly say, "Protect you from myself"
"This Sesshomaru does not understand" I frown again. My emotion was easy too show when it was around her. But never had I masked myself around her. Not when I know her love.
Her body shook a little as she slaps my hand away.
"Don't you see?" She pulls her vial rather roughly to revile an old women face, full wrinkles and dry lips. Her check was not have the high bone that I used to see instated it was replace with plump skin and her red lips gone replace by dry break lips, "I am not young anymore Sesshomaru. When I look at you-"
Realization sinks in me so fast that I feel my breath caught in my trout; "Don't" I grab her plump form and pull her into my strong arms. I pull her closer to me not a trance of disgusts I feel. Not a small trance of hatred because of her changed form infact, I held her tenderly like the way I used to when we admit our love long ago under full bloom cherry blossom tree. Is same way as I hold her in my bed, after our love making. This hand that held her was the same. Not a hint of disgusts with the way her figure had changed from slim to fat plump women now when I held her closer.
"When I look at you and saw my face ageing everyday in the mirror. I was scare. I was scare that you leave me someday. That you will find another attractive young women. I'm getting old Sesshomaru"
Stroking her grey hair gently. I knew I have to reassure her that nothing change, "You never old to me Koi. You always be my Kagome"
"DAMIT Sesshomaru don't you get it. My body... my body has not had the womanly figure you adore anymore. I've, I cannot produce-" She sobs, "-anymore heir for you since 10 years ago. I'm just-"
"Just Kagome, the women that I've fall in love with will never let this destroyed her. Will never let this ended her hope. And always love anyone else above her. That why I fall inlove with you Kagome. True is your beauty that enchanted me but your personality that makes my heart yearn for you. Makes me want to be with you. Forever. Not an age will keep my love for you. My dearest Kagome, why have you not consulted me about this?" I pause, my voice strong and sooth, I mean what I say. She was never really gone to me, no, her spitfire is still there and I was glad, glad my Kagome was never change. Just unsure and unsecured by her condition. And I will erase her fears of my love for her. I kiss her face tenderly. Even her skin was not as smooth as it used to be, it did not change my heart for her. For I love her more than her outer beauty alone.
She sobs and holds my face with her wrinkling finger, stopping me from showing her my love. I stare curiously and hurt by her action. I really do love her and I want her to know that.
She was shaking with tears and her voice broken when she spoke, "I was scare. I was scare that you hate me. Leave me. Look at us Sesshomaru, you are still young. And I'm getting older"
I pull down her hand tenderly and pull her to my chest. Silencely offering my strength and comfort to her, "This Sesshomaru eyes and heart are only for you, my love" I pause, "Do you remember what I promises when you were 37 years old?"
She look straight pass my shoulder to the glass window. Her brown eyes ageing as it might be with wrinkles adore her lids and faces still beautiful in his eyes; were now glassy with oncoming tears.
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FLASHBACK>>
"Sesshomaru"
"Hm" I replay lazily, Kagome rest infront of me while my back was behind the tree. We had taken a sit in one of the tree near the human village but still out of prey eyes. Kagome was shopping for some kimono's from the villages when we decide to rest after that and watch the sun set together in this very old tree.
"Did you think, did you think we will become like them?" She points to an old men that pass them by walking slowly with basket of flowers in his hand. Totally miss their present for his old feet walking him slowly from the village to somewhere else.
Sesshomaru title his head to his side curiously, fallowing the men movement.
"He was heading for his wife grave. I talk to him when I met him in the market. Looks like his wife dies 10 years ago. And he visit her at lease once a month" Kagome answer when sensing he try to understand what the men doing.
"Ah"
"As-as we getting older, will your love for me faded with time?" She asked smiling sadly as she watches the sun setting from the horizon. Avoid facing him.
Sesshomaru tighten his hold on her waist, "No, This Sesshomaru promises to love you forever"
She smiles, her eyes were wiser than her age, "Then promises to forget me for you own happiness" She turns her body in his strong arms. Buried her head in his muscular chest. Inhaling his muscular séance, forest and waterfall. That what he smells like.
He hook one deadly claw under her chin and force her head up, glowing embers eyes met her uncertain brown one, he look at her strainly, "This Sesshomaru will not promises you that"
She shakes her head, "No Sesshomaru. I want you- I want you to move on when the day, when the day-" She heave the words she about to say, "When the day I-"
"Shhhh" He put a finger in her red lips in attempt to silence her "This Sesshomaru... would not hear about it" And pull her towards his chest again.
She leans into his arms, "I will eventually. One way or another"
"This Sesshomaru will do something about it when the time comes" He vowed.
She shake her head in his arms, "Is nature cost, with dead there is life and with life... there is death"
He stokes her raven hair, "This Sesshomaru will not leave your side. I will followed-"
"NO!!" She interrupt, her head pop up, "Don't say that. Life was not over even when I'm gone"
"When you are not here with me. For me there's no more life"
"Oh Sessho, promises me you won't do it. That you won't kill yourself. Life was too precious. Promise me you won't kill yourself. Promises ME!!"
"I-" He bits his lips, can he do it? Without her; his world, what more reason he had to survive?
"Promises me for our love" She persisted. Crying into my white hori.
"I give you my words love. That I will not take my life by myself" He surrender. How can he not, not when she look so desperate and tears in her lovely brown eyes. He wipes the tears away. He hated if she cries.
"Good" She smiles, "I love you"
"A... I love you too... forever"
And they seal their promises with a long last kiss.
END FLASHBACK>>
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".....I sound so silly that time aren't I?" Her voice horse and she chuckle lightly. Her body shook but never moves much other than that.
I shake my head, "You were scare. It's just natural to be scare. But afraid not. This Sesshomaru give you his words that you will always be the Kagome I've fall in love 57 years ago. And will always be the same. Even you are now 75, for me you did not change since we admit our love" I look as she stare at our entwine hands, "This Sesshomaru always keeps her words Koi, or you rather I prove it now?"
"No, I know you will keep your promises" I feel as she took her breath deeply and finally I saw the smiles I long to see. The smiles I miss so much, "Thank you Sesshomaru. That's mean a lot to me"
I froze when I heard her words. So soft and it feel so faraway. Even she in my arms, I feel her drifting away slowly but surely. A dread feeling rose inside my chest hearing her words falling now and then.
And her breathing rasp with each new breath she takes.
"I'm tired... my mate" She whispers hoarsely but slowly. Trying to catch every breath she can.
My long claw fingers keeps stroking her grey hair. I push her head further to rest in my chest, something big and lump forming in my trout and I found it hard to swallow and find my voice, hearing her about to drift off to dream land, "Then sleep... my love" a sleep I knew she will not be awakening forever.
She sighs and snuggles closer for my warmth. Her breath even out and before long her breath slow down, little by little.
But my hand keeps stroking her hair and I hummed her favorite lullaby that I know by heart.
And a lone tear escape my eyes trailing the jawline and fall into her grey hair. For the first time since my mother death I cries for someone else.
Someone that held my love, my life.
"Aishiteru Kagome... Ai" I spoke tenderly to her ears. Hoping she heard what I said. Even she will not replay back to me.
More tears escape my lids and I feel my body shock with suppresses sobs as I hold her still form. Not a breath can be heard anymore from the body I held. And I knew, she was gone...
Forever.
Now, what the purpose of my every existence if the reasoning of my life is already gone?
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Dictionary:
Aishiteru – I love you
Ai – Love
Koi – Terms for Lovers/ like the one you really really love like oh well, you know Koi/Koibito were the same. Yeah, some of you maybe already know it theheheh.
Demo - But
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Are-en1: -Blink- -Blink- So.... –fidget- Urm, I batter run before people start amoking at me tehehhehe. Jya ne
IN (My Innocent muse): WAHHH!!! En-Sama was mean. She made another sad fic WAHH!!!
HN (My Hentai Muse): -Sigh- En-sama, look what you did to IN. You know she can't stand sad ending
Are-en1: Eh? Demo, demo I was just working what I want to write. It just came of my mind and I just have to keep write it down. Blame the brain
HN: -sigh- Come on IN. I buy you ice cream if you promise to stop your wailing
IN: -Sniff- Really?
HN: Yeah, (Hmmm... while at it I might snatch a guy or two) –Sinkers-
IN: OK, let's go
Are-en1: Huh? Hey wait for me!!! –Leaves-
Last Post: 20 January 2006
Edited: 21 January 2006
Edited: 22 August 2006
Notes: Singel Spark moves the sites and yipes! my fic gone. =) Nothing change much. Don't worry you don't miss something important here. Thank you for reading!