Whiskey lullaby by Winters_Snow
Chapter One
Kagome sighed. It would be months until Sesshoumaru returned and by the sound of his letter maybe more. She missed him so much, sometimes it was downright unbearable. He was her everything and made her live everyday as if it would be his last. Being in the war did little for her worries over the man she'd called her own. Recalling his words in the letter made her smile.
Kagome,
Regretfully this will probably be my last letter for a while. The war seems to be dying down, but the generals say the tables could turn any moment.
Thinking of your smiling face is all I can do to get through the days. When I return we will start that family we talked about. I will make you my mate and stay with you for all of our days. Our children will be so beautiful... I thought about what you said before and Koori is a wonderful name if we had a girl.
I cannot wait to see your face when I return. Thinking about it is all I can do on the lonely nights scouting. I miss you so much, my mate. The other soldiers say I zone out sometimes. And I do. Physically, I am here, but my heart soars to be by your side.
Sadly I must go; we are advancing on the enemy today. Maybe for the last time. Hopefully.
All my love,
Yours always,
Sesshoumaru
She just loved reading his letters. Just imagining his voice as she read them made tears come to her eyes. Her thoughts were always with him and every night she prayed to Kami for his safety. She could only hope he would be returned to her safely.
With a sigh, she put aside his letter and got dressed for work.
~Three months later~
Sesshoumaru smiled as he pulled into the driveway of Kagome's house. *Soon to be ours.* He thought elatedly. He hadn't written of his release, he wanted to surprise her. After seven weeks of battle they had finally pushed the enemy back and took over the last stronghold. As soon as they were released he caught the first plane home. Just the thought of seeing her surprised face made him smile.
He walked slowly inside, incase she was downstairs. He looked around, noting nothing had changed. She still had every picture of them that was up when he left. Everything was exactly the same, even the spot on the carpet from their first time. He smiled remembering how she'd blushed when her parents asked about it. He heard giggling upstairs and figured one of her annoying friends was with her.
Making his way upstairs he stepped carefully, so as not to make the boards on the staircase squeak. Finally reaching their bedroom, he stood up straighter and composed himself. He slowly pushed the door open, not expecting the sight he found.
~*~*~*~
Kagome had been in a comatose state when a letter reached her of her mate's death. Nothing seemed to make sense to her anymore. Everything around her seemed wrong. When Hojo tried comforting her, she latched onto him like a lifeline. He was her only tie to reality. So she didn't even think about it when he asked her out.
They had dated for a couple months already and when he came to her one night she didn't resist. His caresses and soothing touches made her forget. Forget her pain, her anger, and for a minute...forget him.
This morning was no exception. They were playing around on her bed and she was having a decent time. But something nagged at her, like something big was supposed to happen.
She had no clue.
When the door swung open Kagome was about to yell at the intruder for breaking and entering. But when she saw who it was, she turned white.
"Sesshou..."
Sesshoumaru couldn't believe his eyes. The woman he'd devoted every breath to was sitting up in bed with some guy lying next to her looking shamed. When she whispered his name he turned pained eyes to her.
He couldn't take the look in her eyes and fled. He ran downstairs and out the door. He spied his old motorcycle by the porch steps and hopped on, intent on getting away. As he drove away he was acutely aware of her calling for him, pleading with him to come back. It all fell on deaf ears as he disappeared behind the tree line.
Kagome fell to her knees, cradling her face in her hands. Tears slid down her cheeks as she watched him disappear.
"I'm sorry..." She sobbed into the cold morning air.
~*~*~*~
Kagome searched for him within the small town for weeks. She knew he was there because she had heard various people talk of his brief appearances. And every one of them described him to her as the same: drunk and heartbroken.
She had almost found him, but he managed to stagger away from her then disappear.
"Please be safe." She whispered into the night as she passed by another alley.
Sesshoumaru watched, half dazed as she whispered into the night and left. He was vaguely aware that she had been looking for him; he had even heard a few people talk about a misunderstanding. Something about a letter. He could never get the whole deal. All he could think about was the look on her face when he walked in the door. It was like looking at a living ghost. She had turned white, but the hopeful shine in her eyes was what made him wonder. If she was so happy with that male she was with, why did she look at him as if he was there to take her away? He didn't think about it long. Taking another gulp from the bottle of whiskey, he staggered into the party for the soldiers that had come home.
~She put him out like the burnin' end of a midnight cigarette
She broke his heart he spent his whole life tryin' to forget
We watched him drink his pain away a little at a time
But he never could get drunk enough to get her off his mind
Until the night~
He smiled slightly as he danced with a young woman. She was moderately attractive and had a beautiful smile. His smile faded as he saw her before him suddenly; wearing that gorgeous blue dress he bought her the summer they made their vows underneath the willow. Repeatedly her face flashed over the woman's and that beautiful smile became so much more when Kagome's slid over it.
Not being able to take it, he turned and stumbled back outside, intending on going to his hotel room and drinking away the pain of her face.
He sat numbly on his bed and drank another bottle empty. Tears slowly slid down his face as he opened up another bottle of whiskey. She had no idea how much pain he was in. How he loathed her, yet ached for her to hug him close and say everything was alright. That he was dreaming the day he'd found her with that male. That she still loved him as much as he loved her.
~He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away her memory
Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength he had to get up off his knees
We found him with his face down in the pillow
With a note that said "I'll love her till I die"
And when we buried him beneath the willow
The angels sang a whiskey lullaby~
Walking slowly to his desk, he slid into the seat and took the pencil from the drawer. Clumsily, he wrote down how he really felt, deep down inside. Despite what he saw, he knew she was just trying to cope with his absence. Those six words were more powerful than the whiskey running through his veins. Throwing the pencil aside, he grasped the note, and with a teary smile, fell face-first onto his bed. The vision of the crescent moon hanging low over his window, highlighting the picture of Kagome by his bed was the last thing he saw before everything went black.
~La la la la la la la
La la la la la la la
La la la la la la la
La la la la la la la~
Silent tears streamed down Kagome's face as she watched the man she loved more than life itself be lowered into the ground next to their willow. Distantly she heard the sound of rifles firing off, signaling the death of a soldier, but it hadn't hit her yet. He wasn't gone. He couldn't be. Sesshoumaru was stronger than this; he wouldn't let anything bring him down. He was strong...She thought distantly. She brought her eyes up to look at his family. His mother was glaring at her past all the tears, while his father seemed to have some level of understanding beneath his. His little brother was also glaring at her, but she didn't think it was because of this. He was too young to understand that he wasn't coming back. Instead she knew he was glaring because of what she represented. She was still-in his mind-the only thing that could permanently take his brother from him. Not the only thing. She reminded him silently, directing her eyes to the ground. But she couldn't see anything. She couldn't feel anything. All she had was a beloved memory and pictures to remind her of better days. Before the pain.
~Three weeks later~
Kagome cringed as she gulped down another shot, watching the male leave with his pants barely on. To push aside the pain, she had taken to letting men in. They made her forget what she had done and how alone she was, if only for a minute. They never acknowledged the smell of whiskey on her breath and never really cared how drunk she was. A free fuck. It was all she was. But at least it didn't hurt anymore.
The night she returned from Sesshoumaru's grave was when it finally sank in. Hojo had showed up later, telling her he there for her. She welcomed him with open arms and a sad smile. Later that night as she lay beside him, his warm, naked flesh pressed against her, she cried. She got up and went downstairs. Opening a cabinet, she looked fearfully at the glass bottle of liquid fire. Steeling herself, she reached for it and took a swig. Wincing as it pored down her throat, burning on the way, but sighing as it washed away the pain. The pain of her fault. The pain of the townspeople's words. The pain of his absence.
She knew what they said behind her back, but now it fell on deaf ears. No longer would she run from the super market crying because someone else blamed her for his death. But...it was the truth. She did that to him. Made him weak and cold. Made him hurt.
~The rumors flew but nobody knew how much she blamed herself
For years and years she tried to hide the whiskey on her breath
She finally drank her pain away a little at a time
But she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind
Until the night~
Kagome pushed against the protesting male restlessly. He just wouldn't understand that she'd changed her mind. After tonight, she'd be lucky if she ever had another male.
She had been dancing with a guy; he was handsome and smiled wide. He had broad shoulders and short blonde hair, almost silver. They had been dancing the entire night and she was really starting to enjoy herself, but then his face dissolved. His replaced it. She had to pause and stare at him. He was smiling that heart-stopping smile he only did when they were alone. Smiling for her. She finally just asked him back to her house, but after his face had dissolved once again, she pushed him away and demanded that he leave. Of course he had protested and argued, but she had got him out.
Taking another gulp of the whiskey from the dresser by her bedroom door. This wasn't supposed to be happening. She was finally free from the pain, the hurt and then this had to happen. Why could she escape his face?
With a sigh she made her way to her bed and took the picture sitting on the nightstand into her hands with care. It was him. The day he'd left. He had his uniform on and a small smirk on his face. She had told him just minutes before that he looked incredible in the uniform. He had just smirked at her and posed for the picture with the smirk still on his face. She had taken great pleasure in stripping him of the uniform and making love to him as a parting gift. It was all about his pleasure that afternoon and she loved every minute of it.
Choking back a sob, Kagome looked longingly out the window, even as her vision blurred. The crescent moon was hanging low in the sky, casting a glorious glow over her room. With a struggling breath, she fell forward onto her pillow and closed her eyes. She never opened them again.
~She put that bottle to her head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away his memory
Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength she had to get up off her knees
We found her with her face down in the pillow
Clinging to his picture for dear life
We laid her next to him beneath the willow
While the angels sang a whiskey lullaby~
She watched as if still living as they buried her next to him. She looked sadly at her parents from next to the willow. They were crying, but her younger brother was just standing there looking at her as if she could see her. Mutely she waved. She stiffened as a voice from beside her greeted her brother.
"Hey Souta. Sorry about this mess."
She didn't dare turn, but instead watched as Souta nodded and turned to follow their parents back to their car. She shivered as she felt him breath against her skin. She couldn't stop the whisper, "Sesshou...maru."
~La la la la la la la
La la la la la la la
La la la la la la la
La la la la la la la~
"Hey...Kagome." She could hear the tremble in his voice. She couldn't hold it back any longer.
"Sesshoumaru, I'm so sorry. I had no idea that-" A finger to her lips hushed her.
"Calm down. Tell me." He said hugging her form close to him, savoring the feel of her body against his.
"I received a letter a few weeks after the one you sent me. It said...that you had...died in service and..." Kagome broke down in his chest. "I had no idea that it was a lie. Hojo came over to say he was sorry. He was there for me and I felt better knowing I wasn't completely alone. When he asked me out, I hesitated to say yes for weeks, but figured you'd want me happy. So we went out and..." She trailed of figuring he got the rest. The shame in her heart made her pull away from him. Nothing felt better than to be in his arms, but she didn't deserve it, not after what she'd done.
"Baka." She heard Sesshoumaru whisper. She looked up to see him with a small smile on his face. "I will always love you." With a teary smile, she hugged him for all she was worth.
"I love you too."
~La la la la la la la
La la la la la la la
La la la la la la la
La la la la la la la~