Imaginary Illusions by Miko Sorrow

Imaginary Illusions

Imaginary Illusions

By Miko Sorrow

Summary: She was alone, with no more friends or family. She lost everything, the meaning of life. At least that was what she thought, when she had decided on what to do. But the truth has come too late. | SesshoumaruxKagome | One-shot |

Note: One-shot fanfiction. Please read and review.

Disclaimer: I do not, and never will, own the Inuyasha series, neither its characters. The whole series came from the creative mind of Rumiko Takahashi.

-.Imaginary.Illusions.-

Everyday I wake up, I only see the sun

But not even the heavens know, that all I need is you.

As I glide through the pink flower hills, my mind fills with sorrow

A smile is all it takes, please, a smile from you.

We were meant to be, can't you see the truth?

Why, my Sesshoumaru?

-.I.I.-

The pink clouds formed the shape of an elephant, reminding me of the bubble-made ones in Dumbo.

I glanced behind me, where I could hear constant laughter, coming from the ones that called themselves my friends.

But the selfish part of me kept screaming at me, to end the friendships that has been for over five years. When had I become like this? Was it when my real friends were taken away from me?

They're so far away now, lost in the whirlwind of time.

So now I don't take chances.

Someone had once taught me, to trust no one, not even yourself.

So here I am, staring at a bunch of fluffy pink clouds as they flow by. Wouldn't you have thought that I was free, without a care in the world?

I could say that I was once like that, but now, the truth is so far away, so out of reach. I've wasted all my 18 years trying to at least catch a whiff of the sweet smell of happiness, yet I've never succeeded.

But I still try. Why? I don't know why. And people said I was smart, that I knew everything there was to know, that I was special.

Special, what a funny word.

My parents had always told me that I was special, that I have abilities that no other has. I do not believe in what they say anymore, like I've used to. Now, I believe in no one, and my true friends and family seems get more and more out of reach, fading into the dark distant that I was desperately traveling towards.

As hard as I try to pull myself away, the benighted always pulls me back. It was what had turned me into the disconsolate person I am now.

But they would never see that, nope. I've always had two sides of me, it is like having two faces, but one was always in the darkened corner or my heart, only let out when alone, while the other always meets the sun, the one that controls my brain. They were the opposite, just as the night is to day.

Surprisingly, it was not the latter that got me where I am today, but the first. It was the one behind the straight-A student that was I.

I want to let go. Let go of the weights that are constantly pulling me down, keeping me away from what I want.

Can't you see, that I'm anything but free?

-.I.I.-

I can't help but wonder, what happiness taste like?

I can't turn away, from the cruelness of the world

I can't leave this place, of pain and sorrow

Why can't you see, that you're the one I need?

Don't you know that I am trapped?

Don't you know that I need you?

Don't you know that I love you?

Aishiteru, my Sesshoumaru.

-.I.I.-

I stared at the dark ceiling, knowing that I was supposed to be asleep instead. There was a huge exam tomorrow, and my mother had told me that I would need my rest.

But I knew, that no matter what, this kami-blessed mind of my would get a full-score for me anyway.

I hate to be smart, I hate to be different from other people, I hate to be special. I would give it all away, just to receive one drop of happiness from heaven, if only.

But they will never understand. No one will.

The moon slowly shifted in and out of the now dark blue clouds, causing something on my night-table to glint, sending its blinding light directly to my pupils.

I turned, to see a pocket knife sitting on the small wooden furniture, its steeled blade flashing repeatedly as the clouds flew by slowly.

I let a deep sigh escape my lips, the only thing that's keeping me from dragging the small beautiful object through my throat was him. I want to see him again, just once more.

I had to keep my pride, and by leaving, it would only mean I am afraid. But I am not, for I have gone through enough, to be fearless.

I could still remember the day I met him. I had hated him, but how could my hatred take such a large U-turn?

I don't know how it happened, but ever since that one incident with him two years ago, I can't seem to get him out of my head.

I can't bring myself to forget, even when so much time has passed, since then.

I can still feel his warm lips brush against mine, even if it was only for a moment, and I couldn't help the overwhelming feelings that had devoured me that moment. But it was quite clear that he did not feel the same as I, for he had acted like nothing had happened, and walked away from it all.

I want to just walk away as well, but as hard as I try, I can't.

I just can't help but wonder why. Why was it him? Why did it have to be him that I fell in love with?

Why did I fall in love with someone that can never be mine?

-.I.I.-

Every night I imagine, that you were here with me

But after all, it is all but an illusion.

Every day, I look up, to taste the warmth of the sun

But all I see, is the silluet of a broken heart.

Every second, I long for something that will never be

And that is how it is, will never be.

Every eternity, I wait for you with no hope

Can't you see, my Sesshoumaru?

-.I.I.-

I heard the laughter, and it was not long before I figured out who was laughing.

It was me.

I could not remember the last time I had been this happy, there was no lies in my laugh, no deception, nothing hidden, only happiness. The happiness I had three years ago given up on by believing in the truth of reality, is once again present.

Soon, I felt myself falling to the softness of the plains, the light green of the grass tickling my skin. I could see, the birds that flew by the sky, and the very few clouds that covered the sky.

I continued to watch, as the beautiful white cotton balls floated across the sky as if it weighed nothing, tempting me to just reach out, and feel the softness.

But they were just mocking me. Mocking me with their puffiness, against my damp soul and ever-extracting heart.

I felt the urge to run away slowly growing and growing in the corner of my heart, until I felt that the balloon of misery was going to explode.

I popped it before it even had a chance, and squashed the remaining pieces into an imaginary box.

I was always the one to see the worst, and the best of things, and right now, as I analyzed the clouds, I could practically see the dark and light from the other side.

I've always loved the puffballs that were clouds, despite the constant mockery. I like them for a reason too.

They remind me so much of myself, bipolar at every turn.

I have deceived many, including my friends, and a couple of members in my family. The only one who truly knew about what I am really like inside was my little brother. But he died a year ago, deserting me to care for myself and mother.

I'd like to think my brother to be selfish, leaving me so vulnerable. When he left was when I really accepted and believed the truth in reality, and it was hard to understand at first. But somehow I managed.

The sun shone brightly, and the birds chirped loudly, this was too perfect, way too perfect for my likings. I don't belong here.

I don't belong anywhere.

-.I.I.-

Sometimes I want to laugh

But all that comes out is air

Sometimes I want to play

But there's no one there to play with

Sometimes I want to think

That I'll have you someday

But this is the truth in reality

No room for imagination

No room for illusions

Maybe I'll die happy

If only I get a smile from you

My heart is forever yours, my Sesshoumaru.

-.I.I.-

The rain spilt from the sky, soaking the earth, along with my clothes.

I made my way to the cemetery with a small bouquet of blood-red roses in my hands.

I would do this every year since my sixteenth birthday, and each time, the amount of roses I buy would increase.

I passed by an old, abandoned cabin, and towards where I knew my loved ones lay.

There, in a neat row, were three tombs. And engraved on the tombstones where the names of my deceased family members.

The nearest to me was my grandfather, whom had passed on when I was sixteenth, and next was my brother, Souta.

The farthest was a father that I never really knew. He had died when I was five, but my mother had told me and Souta lots of stories about him, most of which were followed by a wistful, yet sad, sigh.

I knelt down in front of my grandfather's grave, uncaring that my pants had been stained with mud as the result of the action.

I silently reached into the bouquet and silently pulled out one of the three roses that I had bought, allowing a drop of my blood to fall on the grave.

I gave a weak smile then, the best offering I can find, and grasped the rose, silently watching as trickles of my blood dripped down to join the previous drop.

Not saying a word, I pressed my hands against the ground, bringing along with me the rose, whom's stem was already stained with my blood, mixed with the rain.

My heart poured everything out, the emotional waves washing over my body as a tear rolled down my face, barely visible, as the rain continued to run all over my body.

Grandfather was one of the very few that supported me no matter what. He wanted the best for me, and kept trying no matter how many times I rejected. Regret began to flow out of my still draining heart.

After a moment, I opened my eyes, which I did not realize I had closed, and stood up. By now, my whole front was covered with mud, and my palms still dripping blood, but I didn't care. I moved on.

I smiled as I approached my brother's grave, and held out another blood rose. This time, I only pressed my lips against the petals, and placed the rose neatly in the mud.

I uttered a silent 'I'll see you soon' as I stood up, and glanced towards my father's tomb, then to the last rose.

I brought the rose down to the grave, and bowed in respect.

Even though I didn't remember everything about him, I knew that he had never hurt me in the past, and that alone was comforting.

I made a wish this time, asking the kami to let me see my father again, to know him. Somehow I knew, that this wish will come true, whether it be after I leave the world myself, or some other time, I don't know. I didn't care.

With that I left, leaving behind three blood-stained roses.

-.I.I.-

I stared out the window of my dark room.

I could have sworn that I had caught something silver on my way out of the cemetery, but when I had looked again, it disappeared.

I guessed it was only an illusion.

But still, when I had thought I saw him, my heart nearly stopped.

Without him, without telling him, I felt as though my life has no meaning. Why couldn't kami just let me tell him? Just to let me see him one more time. I would give my life away, just to have my wishes come true.

But wishes had never come true. Not for me.

-.I.I.-

I wish I could be happy

I wish I could laugh

I wish I could cry

I wish I could die

I keep wishing empty wishes

Wishes that'll never come true

But the one wish I need

Is to have you, my Sesshoumaru.

-.I.I.-

The phone rang and for a while I attempted to ignore the annoying contraption. I though it had worked, until my cellphone started ringing instead. I finally decided it was no use.

I pressed the talk button, and managed a weak 'hello' to whoever was on the other line. I was tired, as I didn't get much sleep the night before.

What I heard was like a bottom-less bucket being emptied over my head, in other words, it woke me up instantly.

I was at a lost for words, so instead of letting the caller hear my stutters of stupidity, I hung up, and stared into darkness.

-.I.I.-

I wanted to cry, but all my tears were already spent long ago. Clumps of wet tissue paper lay on the bench beside me, on the ground, and even on the walls. Now and then I would get so furious that I would throw the balls of white.

I glanced towards the white walls and ceilings of the hospital, then looked down, as I felt the urge to cry dry tears.

I'm literally alone now, with no company, and no one to accompany.

It seems, that mother was selfish enough to leave me as well.

Furious hatred built up in my heart, pushing at my chest, begging to be set free, I can still hear its silent cries for release.

My whole family was selfish, selfish for leaving me, and not taking me along to live in 'the better place.'

Now I just don't know what to do anymore, I'm completely alone.

Another extra rose to buy for next year.

Or, maybe not?

-.I.I.-

I couldn't help, but let a small twisted smile play on my lips.

This was exactly like the tales I had read when I was younger, when poor people would have not a single person attending a funeral, and the grim gray color of rain soaking the earth.

I held up the black umbrella, watching as my mother's grave was lowered into the ground, the large rectangular gap right next to my father's.

Mother's got her wish fulfilled: to be with father once again. Why can't I get mine?

-.I.I.-

I feel so lonely

I feel so afraid

I feel so trapped

I feel so dead

Won't somebody please help me?

-.I.I.-

I took out my diary, and read all the entries. It was the first and only diary I kept, dating all the way back to the time that I had learned how to write. You could probably guess how huge the thing is.

After an hour and a half of careful reading, I flipped the diary to its first page, and carefully set the hard-cover book on my lap, as though it would break if it was to drop.

I couldn't help but smile, as I ripped the pages out one by one.

Soon, there was nothing but a cover, and a bunch of confetti scattered around my room. My smile never disappeared from my face.

I stalked out of my room, unaware that a page had escaped.

It flew down to the floor from my bed, taking a soft landing on the wood.

-.I.I.-

I know I must look like a physco or something, with the way my bangs covered my eyes from view and the now twisted-looking smile on my lips.

I'm happy, I really, truly am. Why? Because, I'm going to fulfill a couple of my wishes myself. And in only one day too.

It was only a matter of time, before I can reach the happiness that I've been longing for.

Ignoring the stares of the many passerbies, I continued my trek. To the place that it had all begun.

Can't you see that I'm trying to go back to the beginning, by walking towards the end?

-.I.I.-

I sat in the small clearing, protected by a small barrier that I've made to keep other people out. It didn't matter anymore, that people would know about my special abilities as a miko. It's all going to end soon.

I faced the small stream, listening to its trickles as it made its way out of the beautiful clearing.

Green bushes surrounded me, and little wild-flowers grew in all the right places. Simply put, the clearing was enchanting.

Just like it was more than five-hundred years ago.

I just sat for a while, staring up into the endless skies, and gave a sad smile.

Reaching into my coat, I held out an ancient dagger.

I touched it upon the tip with my fingers, and watched, satisfied, as driplets of blood made its way down into the stream, tainting but a little of the transparent liquid.

The dagger was an annonymous gift I had gotten one day when I was walking through the forest that was from five hundred years ago.

It had just dropped down on the ground in front of me, the giant leaves wrapping it slit through, despite the small sheath. There had been a note attached to it, stating that the weapon was to me.

And that was all it said...

I continued to play my dangerous game with my deadly instrument, prickling each of my ten fingers first.

I watched, entranced in the dark crimson liquid that was my blood. I watched, until I could no longer wait. I wanted my wish to be fulfilled.

-.I.I.-

I will be with him. I'd be fulfilling several of my wishes, not only one.

I've been searching for him for so long, and I still cannot find him. That only means one thing. He's dead.

And so, I shall join him, along with the rest of my family, I would be leaving no one, for I am already alone myself.

I brought the dagger to the back of my wrist, and ran it lightly through the back, watching as the blood poured out. My precious treasure was exactly what I need right now. I only smiled, as I continued my administrations with my other hand.

I could pratically taste the crimson fluids that caught me in its deadly web, and right now the supposed-to-be metallic taste is like sugar, drugging me more and more with each drop lost.

I almost laughed aloud, for I had always been afraid of this in the past, before my sixteenth birthday. Things changed, for better or for worse I didn't know.

Mother had once told me, that as age catches on, people will begin to see life only as a pathway to pain, a pathway to sorrow. So many would be willing to give life away, it being worthed less than nothing.

I had been so confused at that when she had told me, I didn't believe, not even now.

What I am feeling right now is so much worse than what she had described.

-.Imaginary.Illusions.-

I sit under the gaze of the moon

I still think of nothing but you

Every night I try to remember

Every night I try to forget

I can't.

Because I'm lost in this world of deception

With no way of getting back.

Don't you know I search for you?

Don't you know I had loved you?

Don't you know, that I still do?

Don't you know, my Kagome?

I ran through the forest, to the place that I once knew, and still knows.

I could still remember how sweet her lips tasted that night, could still remember the unavoidable feeling that surged through my veins.

That's why, I still go there every night, to remember.

Because I can't forget.

-.I.I.-

I growled when I found myself refused by a barrier. Anger built up in my chest and I could feel my control slipping fast.

I tore through the invisible barrier easily, intent on delivering end to whoever that had dared to block my path, until a scent reached my nose.

I froze, all trace of anger slipping away, leaving only surprise and realization.

A moment later, I found myself tearing through the forest to find her before it was too late.

I followed the smell, until I reached the place I was going to in the first place. I stepped through the bushes, and felt my heart clench painfully at the sight before me.

There she sat, her sorrowful, empty eyes trained on me.

-.Imaginary.Illusions.-

I've fallen, but I don't want to get up

I've lost, but I don't want to win

I've given up, I'll never return

I'm going, won't you weep for me?

Here I sing a bitter-sweet melody

For no one but me to hear

For I will be with you soon

I'm coming, my Sesshoumaru.

-.I.I.-

I gasped, a shiver running up my spine.

I turned toward the reason of my distraction, my slit wrists limp on my lap. The dagger falling soundlessly onto the grass beside the stone I had chosen to sat on.

My legs hung knee-deep in a river of red, and I could feel a wave of nausea banging on my head.

And before I could figure out whether this whole day was an illusion or not, I felt myself falling, and closed my eyes on reflex, happily waiting for the pain that was sure to be present when the grass infected my many cuts.

I opened my eyes again, a tired frown gracing my face, when I did not feel the pleasurable pain.

I looked into a pair of snow-white sleeves, exactly alike the ones he used to wear.

I turned my frown upside-down into a smile, and turned to look him in the eyes. Does he even remember me? Does it even matter?

Just as long as you're here...

"Hi Sesshoumaru," I whispered, unable to do any more than that, "long time no see, ne?"

He just stared at me with those hauntingly beautiful eyes.

I only kept smiling, he hadn't changed, and I was glad for that. "What brings you here?"

This time he responded, and I could have sworn my heart had skipped a beat when I heard his voice once more.

"Kagome..." He said, and I couldn't help but feel gidy knowing that he still remembered my name after five hundred years. And he had always called me 'miko' when we had met. "Why?"

My smile faltered a little at the question, and I couldn't stop the pained look that plastered itself on my face.

"Because, I thought that there was no one left." I responded simply, sighing. "But I guess I was wrong..."

I didn't miss the confusion that flashed through his eyes.

"What do you mean?" He asked. I could tell that he was trying not to let his confusion reign.

I giggled, not even the fact that every breath I took sent sharp pain up my throat was able to stop the soft laughter.

I looked towards him once more, admiring the silver strands that fell from his head, and the magenta stripes lining his cheeks.

Oh how I missed him. Every part of him.

-.Imaginary.Illusions.-

What she said next shocked me beyond anything else, and I couldn't but help feel her pain as well.

"Because, now I know that I still have you, Sesshoumaru," she had said, "don't you know, that I've been searching for you, for the last three years?"

I couldn't manage to keep my expression blank from her anymore. My eyes widened and I couldn't stop the drops of liquid forming in my eyes.

She must have seen them, because she held out a trembling finger and wiped them away before they had a chance to drop down.

"Why are you crying? Taiyoukai aren't supposed to cry..."

Her breathing was getting shallower and forced by the moment, so I kept silent, in fear of provoking her to talk, in fear of loosing her again.

Not now.

After a moment of silence, she closed her eyes, and opened her mouth to speak.

"Guess what?" She asked, letting out a bitter laugh, "I think I've been in love."

My breath caught in my throat, and I couldn't help but wonder who the person was, all the while unable to push down the sense of hope forming in my heart.

But, what if it wasn't me? What if it was someone else? What if she was talking about Inuyasha?

"Who is it?" I asked, bitterness dripped from my voice as the questions repeated over and over again in my head.

She stopped then, and looked to the distance.

"It's..." She began, then paused, probably contemplating on whether to say the name of the male whom had stolen her heart.

"Who, Kagome?" I asked again, this time in a harsh whisper, "I need to know who!"

I shook her, forgetting of the injuries littering her body, I shook her until her tears of pain fell on my fingers.

I withdrew immediately, and she fell to the ground with a startled cry, a pool of blood gathering underneath her and trickling into the already tainted stream.

By now the water was running red.

I almost ran away, when I had dropped her onto the ground, because I was afraid, afraid that I would be there when she dies, knowing that I was one of the reasons of her agony.

I was deadly afraid that I'll lose her again, right after finding her. Now I wish that I've never encountered her today, that everything would go back to usual. That I could keep the small amount of hope to be with her forever.

I saw her turn to look at me with a pained smile, and I saw her lips moving to talk. But I spoke before she had a chance to.

"I'm sorry," I surprised myself by saying, for it was the first time that I had said the words, "I really am, Kagome. Please, don't leave me. Not now."

I saw her eyes widened considerably, until they could be no bigger.

"What?" She whispered softly, although I had heard her clearly with my overly-sensitive ears.

"I've been searching for over five hundred years now, for the miko whom had shown me everything about life in one single day. Don't you know, that I can't forget, not now, and not ever. Don't you know, that I love you?" My voice was desperate as I poured out everything that was locked away for the five hundred and more years.

I saw tears rolling out of her eyes, and I picked her up again, cradling her in my arms.

Her breathing was hitched and her heartbeat dimming. I held on to her, treasuring the last moments I had with her, for I knew that she could be gone any second.

She flashed me a content yet sad smile, as the last of her energy drained away with her blood.

"I-I..." I heard her try to say, as she gathered the last moments of existence, "...I'm in love with you Sesshoumaru. I had been for a long time. And I promise we'll meet one day, please don't forget m-"

She never got to finish her last sentence, as her eyelids fluttered shut, no longer able to support itself. Her breathing halted, and her heart no longer beating.

I let the tears fall, and I held on to her, as her soul was taken away from her body, from me.

-.Imaginary.Illusions.-

I've thrown away my sorrow

I've stepped on all my fears

I've fulfilled my own wishes

With only life as the price

The only regret I have

Is that I've lost your warmth

But I promise we'll meet again

Goodbye, my Sesshoumaru.

-.Imaginary.Illusions.-

I picked up the small piece of paper, and immediately noticed that it was a page of her diary. I had seen her write in it several times, before she had mysteriously disappeared.

After a minute of contemplating whether to read it or not, I decided against the latter.

Dear Diary,

What if I never see him again? What if I never get to tell him how I feel?

I feel like betraying Inuyasha by feeling like this, but I cannot help it.

I still can't believe he had kissed me that night, why didn't I push him away though, why couldn't I reject him then?

Everything's going so wrong nowadays, Sango and Miroku had a huge fight, and this does not look like one of their usual fights. Sango has just come to me crying and Miroku is beginning to ignore her. He isn't even groping her anymore.

I miss Shippou so much, why had he run away that night? What am I doing wrong as a mother? It was just another not-so-verbal fight between him and Inuyasha...

And Inuyasha. My feelings for him just seems to decrease day by day, I no longer blush when he holds me during my nightmares, I no longer want to go with him on every expedition, instead I spend my time daydreaming on things that could never be possible.

What is happening?

Now, everything's so messed up, and I don't know how to fix it anymore, the team is falling apart, and my new-found emotions are crowding my head!

Is it right for me, to feel angered, angry at him for slipping in all those unwanted feelings inside of me?

Is it right for me to love Sesshoumaru?

-Spring of 2001. Friday April 13th.

My hand trembled as I re-folded the diary entry, and stuffed it inside my pocket.

Quickly, I regained my composure and walked out the door of her room, and soon leaving the Higurashi household altogether forever.

I approached the cemetery, and in no time I found myself in front of Kagome's grave, her father, mother, grandfather, and brother's not far away from hers.

I knelt down, and looked up at the moon above me.

"Please, bring my message to her..." I whispered, and took out a piece of paper, as well as the diary entry I had found a bit earlier.

I buried the two pieces of paper on the side of her grave. "Please let her know that I love her, and I will never forget."

And with that he walked into the night, his elegant form only an illusion to any but the moon.

-.I.I.-

Today was when it all happened

Tonight was when it all ended

She lived with a tainted innocence

She died with a smile on her face

Goodbye, my Kagome.

-.Imaginary.Illusions.-

She sat atop the tree, watching him as he disappeared. She smiled to herself, as she unfolded the transparent version of the message he sent.

We will meet again soon, Kagome. Please await my arrival. I promise you, I will never forget. Please remember me for all eternity, as I will for you. Don't forget, that I love you and always will.

Until the day of our meeting,

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Sesshoumaru

Her smile widened, as she tucked the note inside her pockets for safe keeping, and began to swung back and forth on the branch in a child-like manner.

She let her voice rang out, a melody lined with both happiness and sadness.

Kagome sang to the wind, begging her voice to be carried to the one she love.

-.I.I.-

And I sang my song

For the moon and wind to hear

Please carry my melody

To my one and only.

-.I.I.-

Walking into the night, the opposite where he had disappeared, she also vanished into darkness, leaving nothing behind, but a story of a girl in snowy-white nightgown, tainted crimson with blood the day all her sorrow ended.

-.I.I.-

Life is made from imagination

Nothing but illusions of the mind.

-.Imaginary.Illusions.-