Ambivalence by kidoairaku

Prologue

It was one event of many that would lead, eventually, to our separation. I don't know why the date was so important to me; it just seemed to latch onto my mind and clutch at my memory unforgivingly, screaming its relevance. In any case, I remember it clearly, as if it happened yesterday, when, in actuality, the event was long past.

September 9th.

I'd never forget that date for the rest of my life. Why? Why, I would ask myself. To be honest, I wasn't sure why it stuck out like a sore thumb among the 364 other dates in the year...

Which wasn't to say that I didn't have a clue; of course, I did. A better way to put it would probably be why it mattered to me so much. Of all the inane things to remember, the date my husband and I began to drift apart. I shouldn't have cared...really, I shouldn't, but those numbers, 9/9, wouldn't leave me.

Maybe it was memorable because those were unlucky numbers. Of course, that skirmish had to occur on the ninth day of the ninth month. It was like destiny.

Destiny, my friends.

On one of the unluckiest days would come the unhappiest, ultimately, the worst day of my life, if you wanted to root it all down.

I don't know why I'm complaining...if the whole damn event hadn't occurred, then I'd still be stuck with the bastard I dared to call my husband, soul mate, lover, confidant, et cetera. For God's sake, I don't remember why I liked him in the first place!

Then again, I give myself this: I'm completely biased now that I've gone into the search-and-recover tactic. It's gone on for a while, now...I've been digging frantically for everything I could possibly bat an eyelash at and turned it to his complete disadvantage. I can even come up with something ridiculous on the spot.

I don't like the way he ties his shoes.

There were only two ways I knew of to tie a bow-slash-knot. One was to do that strange loop around the loop and make another loop; that was the method I learned second. The other was to make two loops and tie-slash-knot them--the way I learned first. After all, the latter was simpler; it would only be logical for children to learn it that way.

I preferred that method--the Doggy Ears way, I like to call it. I snorted.

And my dear, sweet husband did it the other way.

Well, screw him.

It was just another thing I found to not like about him.

Of course, there were more significant reasons--personality quirks and attitude workings that I just couldn't grasp. Why would he act that way? Why would he do that? I just couldn't understand anymore.

WHY was I freaking attracted in the first place?!

...Never mind...don't bother answering that...I knew full-well he had to be one of the most eligible bachelors (before I snagged him, that is, heh heh heh...).

I ran a shaky hand through my hair, falling back onto the guest bed I'd taken over. My eyes played over the unfamiliar, unnaturally clean surroundings; the room seemed to glow with the fact that it was not lived-in, that it wasn't mine. Not that the furnishings weren't nice. Hell, they were nice...

Maybe not my style, though.

There. Another thing to pin on my spouse; after all, he owned the hotel-slash-resort we were staying at. It was his fault I didn't like the décor.

Sitting up rigidly, I cast a predatory glance around the room once more, as if something, maybe someone would jump out at me. Having determined it safe, my legs carried me to the sliding glass door that opened to a wide balcony. I found myself at the balustrade, head in my hands.

What was happening to me?

What was driving this inexplicable force that dogged me into pushing myself away from him?

I loved him! I...used to love him so much...I'd give anything for him...

I'd do anything to make him happy...

I didn't know what was right anymore--truths, lies, they all blurred together in my mind.

Why couldn't I be happy with him? Why couldn't I forgive his human flaws? No one's perfect; everybody knows that...

I took a deep, shuddering breath, attempting to regain my composure. Of course, it was a lost cause. I'd lost what I had left of my composure about a week ago, on September 9th.

Opening my eyes, I gazed through my fingers, still splayed across my face as my elbows rested on the railing. "Do I love you, Sesshoumaru?"

"Kagome."

His voice always had the ability to slice through all my thoughts, though the effect hadn't been as violent before our emotional separation. I wasn't sure if I could even officially call it emotional separation. I still felt, deep down, very much attached to this man, the man I supposedly loved.

I wanted to say it, to tell him I loved him and that I didn't know what was going on with me, to ask him forgiveness. Instead, my warmth seemed to drop a few degrees when I heard the door shut behind him. I swiveled around, narrowing my eyes, former feelings thrown violently to the wayside. "Don't you ever knock?"

He leveled his notorious impassive stare my way, not bothering to grace me with an answer. Fine. "It's my hotel. I do what I want."

"Oh yea?" I countered, taking a few steps toward him, "it's my room." My arms were crossed, and I was standing stiffly; it was just one of those things I did when I did not feel open to any sort of conversation--my way of closing myself off, steeling myself from any unwanted...things.

His eyes narrow as well, and I couldn't help but feel a smudge of satisfaction. That's right, I thought, don't you hate me? Aren't I the most annoying bi-

"Are you settled enough to come down to dinner?" he questioned. Although, the tone he used seemed to bounce like a demand, I observed.

I huffed. How dare he interrupt! "Why would I go to dinner with you?"

"Do you find your accommodations suitable?"

Closing my eyes, a sadistic grin planted on my face, I snorted. "I hate them."

He seemed unfazed by my bold declaration. "Would you like to be moved to my room, then, Kagome?"

I abhorred the way I phrased things to his advantage. Demand after demand after conscious demand, all hinted with that characteristic arrogance of his. I was tempted to mouth off a ridiculous remark that would leave him utterly baffled. Something like, 'I blow my nose at you!'* I didn't do it, though, opting instead for glowering at him. "Do you have a point in coming and bothering me at this ungodly hour?" In truth it was only seven o'clock, but what the hey, I could be an early sleeper if I wanted to.

Sesshoumaru quirked a perfect brow at this. "I believe I asked you to dinner."

"Whatever. I'm not going."

And that was that. I turned my back on him and resumed my place at the balcony railing, lifting my eyes to the starless sky. It was a clear navy color, which, I guess, was an improvement over Tokyo's black abyss.

I didn't have to remind myself that we were 'vacationing' in San Francisco. Actually, we were here on one of Sesshoumaru's business dealings. The trip had only turned out to be the R and R from hell after September 9th. There it was again, that date... I dropped my head miserably into my hands, a position akin to what I was typically to be moping in. I felt so tangled...so lost...

By the time I'd registered the fact that he'd snaked his arms around my waist, I was already turned about-face into his embrace, clutching his shirt desperately as tears leaked from my eyes. I wasn't sure what it was that I said at the time, so drunk was I in my despair. Maybe I spewed out 'forgive me' crap, 'I'm sorry', 'I love you; you know I do'. All of it was a blur.

In any case, we ended up on the guest bed in our birthday suits, me still curled up in his arms the next morning. When I woke up, I pried his arms off carefully, remembering he was a light sleeper, and made my way to the shower, where I promptly reverted to my 'I-Must-Hate-Sesshoumaru' plan.

~*~*~*~

I found out I was pregnant two weeks later.