Reviews for One Night by Silver Silence89
lunaticneko- Sun 09 Mar 2008
shikon goddess- Sat 08 Mar 2008
burgundyburning- Sat 08 Mar 2008
me579- Tue 05 Feb 2008
bluemoon_175- Sat 02 Feb 2008
sweetest angel- Sat 02 Feb 2008
mimi g- Sat 02 Feb 2008
anakatanaia- Sat 02 Feb 2008
You asked for reviews, and I guess I'm the first. I think you have a good idea here, and I can see where it might be going, but before you proceed, I wanted to suggest that you obtain a beta reader/editor to help you.
There mixed verb tenses, and left out words (Kagome's head snapped -- I think you meant snapped back, since otherwise she wouldn't have a head anymore :) Things like "bombarding" her privacy -- and battling his "dominancy" are a few examples. Punctuation, lack of commas where they are needed, and a few sentences possibly reworked.
That said, I think you have genuine potential to write well and it's always difficult to subject one's writing to a public audience. I understand how difficult that can be, especially with a lemon - even without, allowing people to read what you've written is a very brave thing to do.
Kagome's inner thoughts - nicely done, Inuyasha is very much in character, also very nicely done. The flow of the story, from dream to present to his dream to present to them together - very good.
There are lots of things to praise, and I think that if you asked one of your friends, or found someone here (I think there is a list of people who edit/beta read here on this site - but be careful, pick someone you are sure of, someone who you know will be able to sort out any errors and explain the why of it to you - that's how we learn :)
All in all, I would continue to read this story, and I want you to read this review as a positive, not a negative - it's good to know where your strengths are in a story, and where the things are that need work -- I think that's preferable to someone just saying "oh yeah great" because that doesn't tell you where it was great and where it was less so.
Good luck, and keep writing, I look forward to the next chapter and hope you find a good editor/beta to assist you (every writer no matter how brilliant they are, how many books they've published, has an editor... suggesting one is by no means negative, it's positive :)
mortefille- Sat 02 Feb 2008
Amadoni- Sat 02 Feb 2008