god i cried! that don't happen to offten. it was so good!

danny, i think you may have potential as a storyteller, but you need to get a beta. This story is better than your previous ones in that it is more coherent; however, it's like you took a deep breath and began telling the story as fast as you could get it out. your sentences tend to run on, minus much needed punctuation. the technical skills of grammar are very important in communicating your story to your readers. You need to make your work easier to read or people aren't going to want to read it.

I don't mean to discourage you, I think you have potential. with practice and a good beta, you could become a very good writer. you have some very good ideas for plots and i would love to see you grow in the wrting craft.

danny, i think you may have potential as a storyteller, but you need to get a beta. This story is better than your previous ones in that it is more coherent; however, it's like you took a deep breath and began telling the story as fast as you could get it out. your sentences tend to run on, minus much needed punctuation. the technical skills of grammar are very important in communicating your story to your readers. You need to make your work easier to read or people aren't going to want to read it.

I don't mean to discourage you, I think you have potential. with practice and a good beta, you could become a very good writer. you have some very good ideas for plots and i would love to see you grow in the wrting craft.