Hey there. Your idea is very good. The only problem is that you seem to be having difficulties with writing in general.

I understand that you are young, and just learning how to write. So I offer you some help to get your story looking better.

1) I would look into getting a beta reader, they are excellent for helping you fix mistakes. We often miss some mistakes and they just make sure to fix them for us.

2) Organize your story into paragraphs and not just lines. That way the reader does not get annoyed and stop reading the story. Readers will not read something that does not fit their criteria.

3) You have many run-ons. I attribute this to your young age. Many young readers have this problem. You will get better as you go. That is why I offered the first tip. Because the beta will help fix your run-ons.

4) Take these to heart and then more people will be able to see what a diamond this story could shine up to be!

Sadly, I must say that I was unable to read all of it. :( The lines just started to bother me.

If you have any trouble with finding a beta or anything else. You can either contact me on this site, or at demonluvergurl@hotmail.com

I hope you do not take this the wrong way. For I am merely trying to make you not upset if you don't get any reviews. I know I always get sad if I do not receive any more reviews. So I am trying to do you a favor.

:)

-FangedBeasty