Kagome collapsed beside the well, hand covering her mouth as she stifled a sob. She'd planned on returning to the village, but the thought of having to explain her emotions to anyone had her taking a detour.
It wasn't that they wouldn't be supportive, or willing to listen, but they'd automatically take sides, and this wasn't that kind of fight.
Sesshoumaru had every right not to want children, especially after what had happened with his father and Izayoi, and Rin for that matter, but she'd thought that being with the right person might change his mind.
That being with her would change his mind.
"Isn't this one of those things that you're supposed to work on together?" she asked aloud, curling up against the side of the well. She'd thought they'd spent enough time together that he'd at least be willing to discuss it, but Sesshoumaru had been resolute in his decision. Kagome only hoped it wasn't the thought of there being more hanyou around that was causing him to recoil at having children.
She shook her head. He'd been getting along with Inuyasha well enough, the brothers managing to train together without devolving into petty squabbles.
Most of the time.
No, Sesshoumaru had proven that being a pureblood meant little to him. He'd even mentioned being in talks with the surrounding lords about peace treaties and trade routes between youkai and human villages. She'd been so proud of him, gushing over how much he'd changed, though he'd brushed it off, simply stating that it was all to do with progress, with evolution.
So it was just her.
Again.
Tears overflowed as she buried her face in her hands, shoulders shaking as the weight of returning to a world where she was still alone pressed down on her.
"I made the right choice, Mama. I swear I did," she said brokenly. But as her tears continued to fall, a seed of doubt was planted in her heart, reiki swirling out of control. It settled into the earth below her, warming the wood at her back, until Kagome realized that the well was pulsing with its own power.
Grabbing the edge, she yanked herself up, cheeks still wet as she gazed down at the glittering ether of the inside of the well.
It was open.
Thoughts of her mother filled her head as she leaned closer. Mama would know what to do, how to start the conversation with Sesshoumaru. Even if she couldn't change his mind, she would at least be able to sort things out—to make things work.
And above all else, she wanted it to work.
Knowing she'd be back by nightfall, she left her bag by the side of the well, not even bothering to look around before hopping over the edge. Magic whistled through her hair, sending her back to a time of science and modern conveniences—and into her mother's arms.
"Are you sure?"
..::**::..
Kagome gave her mother a confident smile. "Positive. I know what I need to say, Mama. And even if he doesn't like it, he needs to hear it." She stepped out of the house, shielding her eyes against the morning sun.
"Just remember to listen as well, dear," Emiko said, her voice taking on the same firm tone from the night before. Kagome never expected her to take her side completely, but after explaining what had happened, Mrs. Higurashi had spent a long time chastising her and her lack of understanding on Sesshoumaru's part.
Did her feelings for Sesshoumaru mean nothing? Did Sesshoumaru mean nothing? Was she really willing to give him up just because they didn't agree on something? On something that was likely a traumatic experience for him?
The sting of shame had never been so real.
Their conversation had gone well into the night, it not taking much to convince Kagome to slip into her old room instead of heading back to the well-house, giving her an excuse to avoid the confrontation she knew was coming. It had been comforting, the smell of detergent a welcome reprieve from the pollution of modern Tokyo.
But the comfort had been fleeting, and come morning, Kagome's resolve had returned, bolstered by her mother's wise words.
She could do this.
"I still can't believe you were able to get back through," Mrs. Higurashi said, linking their arms together.
"Neither can I," Kagome admitted. "It was like the well knew I needed to talk to you."
Her mother shook her head. "I will never get used to things like magic and demons. It's like everything has a mind of its own."
"You get used to it after a while." Kagome opened the well-house door, brow puckering as she stepped inside. Mrs. Higurashi wrapped her arms around her shoulders, giving her a tight squeeze.
"I know Lord Sesshoumaru will take your feelings into account," she said. "And if he doesn't, he wasn't worth them in the first place." She tried to turn her daughter around, but Kagome's eyes were fixed to the well. "What's wrong?"
"I don't feel anything."
"For Lord Sesshoumaru? Come now, dear. We spent half the night talking about how much you've enjoyed his company—"
"No!" Kagome said, panic leeching into her voice. "The well! I should feel power, a shift, something!" She ran down the steps, feet barely touching the ground as she leaned over the edge.
Darkness greeted her.
Eyes widening, she beat against the wood. "No! No, no, no! It was fine when I left it! There was more than before. It should've been enough to send me back! It felt different this time!" Hysteria took hold, the edges of her vision blurring as she stared down into the depths.
The portal had always been endless, an inky blackness that tingled the senses with wonder and possibilities. But now there was nothing. It was just like when the jewel had sent her back, filled with only dirt and despair.
The well was dormant.
Kagome jumped anyway, her mother's scream barely registering as she landed hard, nails breaking as she tried to claw her way back.
She needed to go back—to apologize, to explain—but the well refused to listen, leaving Kagome with the bitter realization that in her moment of weakness, she'd doomed herself to grow up in a world without her friends, without magic—without him.
..::**::..
Kagome placed her hand on the well-house door, a ritual she'd developed over the years that both hurt and helped.
Her mother had been so supportive, considering how dark those first few months had been. The woman had the patience of a saint, and Kagome went out of her way to make sure she knew how grateful she was. She'd been a lifeline, giving Kagome enough responsibility to distract but not overwhelm, until the day when she'd been able to function again.
To greet the day of her own volition.
To accept what had happened.
Mostly.
She always hoped, begged, that it was all a bad dream, that she'd wake up in her hut, or even the forest, to the sight of concerned gold hovering over her—a hallucination resulting from lingering near the well and catching a cold.
But every day she woke up in her room, pink walls closing in on her as resentment festered within the confines of her heart. She had no one to blame but herself; she should've known that the well was temperamental and that it wouldn't be as simple as jumping through and coming back like she'd done before.
The only reason that resentment didn't evolve into something more was the fact that her need to see her mother had been real. Her young mind hadn't been able to cope with Sesshoumaru's sudden rejection, and she'd needed to talk to someone older, someone who knew.
And yet.
And yet.
Here she was, seven years later, still hovering outside the well-house. She could pretend she'd moved on—the job and the car were a good enough guise—but the resentment at being kept out was nothing compared to the hope of being able to go back.
Nostalgia washed over her, and against her better judgement, and all common sense, Kagome slid the door open and slipped inside.
The smell was the same, the mugginess and layer of dust belying the power that simmered beneath the surface. How often had she ignored her surroundings in here, solely focused on her destination as dirt and bone gave way to starlight and something as unthinkable as time travel?
Her eyes misted over, and she sat on the edge of the well. She'd been so childish back then, placing her feelings and desires above everything and everyone else. She'd planned out her whole future, never considering that the person she wanted to spend it with might have a different vision.
"I wish I could apologize," she said, the image of pale silk and crimson hexagons swimming in her vision. She'd taken for granted how open he was with her, too used to the array of emotions that he allowed himself to show only in her company.
Why hadn't that been enough?
"I hope you found happiness." The words were wrenched from her, barely more than a whisper as she gripped the wooden frame. "Even if it's not with me, I hope there's someone around that makes you smile." She didn't even try to stop the tears from falling, though it felt like a lifetime since they had.
There'd been nothing but tears in the beginning, the only proof she could still feel, so she welcomed the dampness on her face, the despair not as raw as before.
"I'll love you no matter what," she told his ghost, because that's all he'd ever be to her now. "Even if all you remember about me is an immature, selfish brat." She forced a smile, muscles straining through the sorrow as she got to her feet.
A tremor made her pause.
Startled, Kagome whirled around, half expecting to find someone, something, behind her, but there was nothing but the well. She stared at it, unmoving.
The flow of youki in the past was constant, a stark difference to the modern era—there was nothing magical about the smell of smog and the roar of cars and electronics. Technology had progressed, but with it, so much had been lost. She may have complained a lot as a teen, but what she wouldn't give to spend the majority of her days in the wilderness, camping beneath the stars.
Sesshoumaru had been right in his wanderlust.
Nothing moved, not even the shadows, and she sighed, rolling her shoulders before peering down into the darkness of the inactive portal. "Don't get my hopes up, okay? I've dreamed about you opening up every day since I've been back, so teasing me isn't nice." She tapped the wood, a single tendril of reiki sliding between her fingers and encircling the ground that the well stood on.
"I know I took you for granted back then, constantly jumping through you whenever I wanted. Whenever I needed to escape." Saying the words out loud made it real, and Kagome felt her eyes well up again. So many people praised her bravery, going up against Naraku and all his incarnations when she wasn't even in high school, never backing down from a fight, always pushing through. They never saw how hard she fought to keep the mask in place.
She was a coward.
Anytime things got hard, anytime emotions were involved, she never pushed through—she ran away. Kikyou shows up? Through the well. Inuyasha argues about picking school over the shards? Through the well. Sesshoumaru mentions kids aren't in his future even though they'd been courting for close to a year? Back through the well.
It served her right that it finally got fed up with her wavering heart.
Her tears tasted bitter, but she still managed to smile. "I don't hold it against you," she said, damp spots appearing on her shirt, allowing the loneliness and anguish to consume her for the last time. "As much as I want to sit here and beg you to open up one more time."
It was time to move on.
Kagome patted the wooden planks, finally getting to her feet. "Thank you. For everything. For letting me through the first time—and every time after that. Even if it seemed like I complained about it, I loved it there—" Something brushed against the back of her hand, the sensation ancient but familiar, wrapping around her wrist.
The portal hummed to life, the glitter of power lighting up the inside of the well-house, and she took a step back, the mix of dread and hope making her heart beat wildly in her chest. The aura was enticing but hesitant, as if it were reluctant to let her through.
It was trying to protect her.
She reclaimed her step, laying her hands flat on the edge. "Are you going to let me go?" she whispered, words barely audible. Did she have time to tell her mother? If she ran fast enough, maybe she could—
"What are you waiting for?"
Kagome jumped but didn't turn around, nails digging into the wood. "I don't know if it's the right thing to do."
"It wouldn't have opened up if you weren't sure," her mother said, resting a comforting hand on her shoulder. "And if you don't jump, I'll push you myself."
"Mama!" she said, finally tearing her eyes away from the well to give her a stunned look.
"You've done a great job trying to fit in, but we both know you don't belong here." She nudged her shoulder. "Go. Be free. Be happy. And apologize to Lord Sesshoumaru for making him worry."
She hugged her mother fiercely, murmuring her thanks, then sailed over the edge, the familiar rush of magic rushing past her ears.
She was going home.
..::**::..
"Pout all ya want, K'gome," Inuyasha said, tucking his hands into his sleeves. "He ain't comin'."
Kagome scowled at her friend, tempted to throw something at him even though he was right. She continued to pace a line in her hut, recently restored by the villagers upon her return. They'd all greeted her with relieved smiles, welcoming her back as if no time had passed.
It had been a month before Inuyasha showed up, tripping over himself when she'd waved at him from Kaede's porch. He'd torn a strip off her, her ears burning at the language he'd used, before finally pulling her into a hug, claws pricking her skin from the force of the embrace.
After she'd explained what happened, that the well seemed to be sentient and had only wanted the best for her, she'd thoroughly questioned him about their friends, hoping that it would go without saying who she was asking about. Inuyasha shared a look with Rin, the teen's mouth turning down into a frown.
"He ain't been back since ya left," he said, rubbing the back of his head.
Rin nodded in agreement. "Any time he's visited, it's been at Jinenji's farm. He never said anything, but I think there were too many memories here."
Kagome flushed, shame eating away at her. For all Sesshoumaru knew, she'd gone through the well to get away from him permanently. And considering how he'd felt about humans in the past, she doubted it had helped matters.
"If I could just talk to him—"
"Good luck with that," Inuyasha snorted. "We all know the bastard can hold a grudge." A cup flew in his direction, though it had come from Rin's hand, not Kagome's.
"I've sent him extra letters, Kagome, but I think he had a meeting with some of the other lords, so it's possible he really has been busy," Rin said, eyes still narrowed at Inuyasha.
"Did you tell him why you wanted to see him?" she asked.
"Well, no. I thought it might be better if it was a surprise." Rin smiled, but it was forced, not that Kagome blamed her. If it had been the reverse, she'd be holding a grudge too. "Why don't you come with me to Jinenji's? It's a scheduled visit, so I'm sure he'll show up!"
"Sounds like your only option," Inuyasha said, flashing a fang when his lips pulled up into a smirk. "But if ya decide to storm the shiro, I wanna be there."
..::**::..
To say she was nervous would be an understatement. Jaken had already shown up, letting Rin know Sesshoumaru would be along shortly, Kagome having hidden herself and her aura as she watched from the back room. Regardless of how well she and the toad had been getting along before, she'd slighted his master, and Kagome doubted he'd keep quiet about her return.
Luckily he hadn't stayed long, collecting a bundle from Jinenji before continuing on with whatever errands he'd been saddled with.
Jinenji, on the other hand, had been wonderful, full of smiles and quiet advice when she'd shown up with Rin. Her ribs were still sore from how long he'd hugged her, but it had been a welcome distraction from her upcoming confrontation.
She hoped that was the wrong word for it, but her skin hadn't felt this tight since the fight against Naraku.
Pressing herself against the inside of the doorway, she tried to control her breathing. She could do this. She had to do this. Her mother's words echoed in her mind, a constant mantra since she'd been back, dispelling the darkness that threatened to claim her every day Sesshoumaru stayed away.
A prickle of awareness teased the back of her neck, but she managed not to give herself away, nails leaving dents in her palms. The sound of his voice almost broke her resolve, but Jinenji laid a comforting hand on her head before walking outside to greet the western lord.
"It's always a pleasure when you visit, Lord Sesshoumaru. Rin was worried you wouldn't make it."
"The village heads continue to bicker about trifling issues, so I forced them to reconvene when they had something new to say." The image of him running his claws through his hair was vivid in her mind, and she took a deep breath, aura still shielded as she stepped through the doorway.
Their eyes met immediately, disbelief widening his features, and Kagome slowly released her reiki, not wanting him to think it was an illusion. His nostrils flared, and even from a distance, Kagome saw his jaw clench.
Rin lay a hand on his arm. "You didn't respond to my other letters. I didn't mean to lie to you."
Muscles rolled again, gold still boring into sapphire. "I do not hold you responsible for the deceit."
Kagome winced, then stepped toward him. "Can we talk? I need to—" Sesshoumaru spun on his heel, walking away from the garden, but she wasn't deterred, determination coursing through her as she ran after him. As long as he was on the ground, she had a chance.
Rin gave her a reassuring smile as she passed, Kagome barely noticing as she followed him. Her lungs burned as she struggled to keep pace with his long stride, but she never slowed, eventually reaching out and grabbing onto his sleeve.
Sesshoumaru stopped but didn't turn around. "I do not appreciate you using such underhanded tactics as manipulating my ward for your selfish whims, miko."
If she hadn't been berating herself for the past seven years, his words might have had the desired effect, but as it was, they only spurred her on. "I'd show up on your doorstep in nothing but mokomoko if it meant you'd talk to me."
She'd quickly discovered Sesshoumaru had a vivid imagination during their time together, and if the pinkening of his ears was any indication, that hadn't changed. There was also a falter in his step, giving her the time to get in front of him. His chin remained raised, eyes on the horizon, and Kagome gripped his armour, blocking his path.
"I didn't run away."
"Your actions during our last conversation, and subsequent absence, would speak to the contrary," he sneered.
"I was just surprised! I thought we were on the same page, but then you started talking about not wanting kids, and I freaked out. I thought—" Kagome could feel the tension rising, her mother's words loud enough as if she were right next to her, and she lowered her head. "I'm sorry. It doesn't matter what I thought. I know I hurt you, so I'm sorry."
They stood like that for a while, Kagome making sure to bare her neck enough that he understood the meaning. To offer up such a vulnerable part of herself was all she could do—especially considering how little credence he put into words in the first place.
"You left," he said finally, and Kagome could sense how much he struggled for control.
"I needed some time to think."
"For seven years, miko?"
Emotions took hold, and she raised her head, desperation pouring out of her. "The well trapped me on the other side! It thought it was helping by keeping me there, but I just wanted to talk to Mama, and then I was planning on coming right back, I swear!"
His lips were pressed into a firm line, golden eyes searching. "And what did your mother have to say about it?"
"That I was being immature and foolish—"
"A wise woman."
"—and that if you meant anything to me, I'd go back immediately and talk to you about it." Her grip on his tightened, knuckles turning white against his armour. "And I tried. I promise I tried! I jumped into the well so many times. I even started digging. I wanted to come back so badly—" Kagome's voice cracked, shoulders trembling as she tried to make him understand.
Even if he walked away, he had to know.
"I love you," she said, vision blurring as tears overflowed. "I don't care if we never have kids. I just want to be with you and—" His arm shot out, snaking around her waist and pulling her close. He buried his face against her neck, but the proximity only made her cry harder.
Apologies tumbled out of her mouth as she clung to him, hoping she didn't anger him further by ruining the silk of his haori.
"Foolish woman. You spoke of offspring as if we would not have eternity together. You had not even seen your second decade. There was no need to rush." The meaning behind his words warred with the feel of their bodies pressed together.
She wanted nothing more than to lose herself in the comfort of his embrace—the fact that he hadn't pushed her away allowed the hope in her heart to flourish—but what he'd said confused her, and she needed to clear the air before they could move forward.
She tried to pull back, but Sesshoumaru refused to let her, nuzzling the curve of her neck before licking the tears from her cheeks, goosebumps roughening her skin as she revelled in the sweetness of it.
"You have an eternity. I have a hundred years, tops. And that's with modern medicine and technology. Who knows how long I'm going to live here?" Saying it out loud didn't make it any easier. "I want as much time with you as possible, as much time with our children as possible. As hanyou, they'll outlive me by centuries. I'll be lucky if I see them reach adolescence!"
Sesshoumaru finally pulled back, confusion marring his normally placid face.
Kagome immediately backtracked. "I'm sorry. You said you don't want kids. I shouldn't have brought that up. I swear I only came back for you—"
"Has the slayer never explained the youkai mating process?" he asked, eyes narrowing. "Or my brother, for that matter?"
Kagome shook her head. "Inuyasha was fine with us courting, but he didn't want to talk about that stuff. And Sango was busy with her own kids. I didn't want to bother her."
Sesshoumaru ran a hand over his face. "I will be sure to knock some sense into him once we return to the village. After I come up with more synonyms for 'imbecile'."
"What do they have to do with our fight?"
"Youkai mating is not the same as a human union, Kagome. There is the binding of souls." She continued to stare at him, eyes still searching. "Your life would be tethered to mine."
She was momentarily distracted by the sound of her name on his lips, her mouth dropping open as his words finally registered. "What? So, when you said it wasn't something you'd considered, you meant—"
"That I wished to spend time with you first." He pressed their foreheads together. "But I would pup you now if it meant you stayed."
A new wave of emotions hit her, but she was unable to put it into words, so she kissed him, launching herself at him before burying her hands in his hair. He responded in kind, a torrent of power erupting between them as youki and reiki swirled and connected, each fighting for dominance as they struggled to contain their emotions.
"I missed you," she whispered, face tucked against his neck as he carried her away from Jinenji's farm. "I thought of you every day."
"The feeling is mutual. Though Jaken attempted to convince me it was a useless endeavour."
"Because I chose to leave," she filled in.
"Hnn."
"I forgive you for any doubt you had about me," she said, snuggling closer. "You had every right to think nasty thoughts while I was gone."
He snorted against her hair. "Truth be told, I tried not to think of you at all, which was difficult considering how far you had engrained yourself into my daily routine."
"I won't apologize for that." A smile tugged at her lips, the first real one she'd had in years, and the feeling was strange but refreshing, and Kagome finally felt a sense of normalcy.
"I would not expect you to."
"Good." She inhaled deeply, allowing his scent to fill her lungs. "I hope you don't mind if I follow you around for the next little while. I know you've got your meetings, but I need to be near you right now and—"
"It is not a selfish request, Kagome. It is common for mates to re-establish their connection after being away from each other."
She pulled back enough to meet his gaze. "But we're not mates yet."
Golden eyes gleamed with heated promise, and she shivered for an altogether different reason. "It will not be that way for long." He faltered as she kissed him again, a slight nip to her lower lip reminding her that they still had a way to travel before he would allow her to distract him fully.
She didn't care. She knew they still had some things to work on, communication being at the top of the list, but he was present and willing, so he could reprimand her all he wanted.
For the first time in a long time, Kagome was looking forward to what the future held.