Great job!! Reads much better but still has your voice behind it!  
It's much more detailed and the characters are fuller and more fleshed out. 
I just went through and cleaned up the chapter. I tried to not restate suggestions but just fixed up some grammatical errors.  
Just a quick tutorial though, lol. I separated each specific correction into a section separated by ------------ that. If there are multiple errors that need the same corrections they will be in the same section, just located on a different line. The corrections for each section are notated with a *. 
  
  
  
  
"wear magnificent pearls, splendid clothes, and pretty shoes." 
*Delete Comma 
--------------------------------- 
"What's frustrating is I have to be all of those people." 
*Insert Comma 
--------------------------- 
It’s sad because people tend to ridicule half-breeds, they tend to loathe them so much. 
*Repeated word 
------------------------------ 
he really hates half-breed 
*breeds 
--------------------------- 
mate a powerful lord also he keeps telling me that I am  
*Insert period after "lord"; Capitalize "Also" 
-------------------------- 
She was a captive of a youkai and she was a priestess 
they did it and I was conceived 
*Insert Comma 
----------------------------- 
"Your sire will be so angry." Ah Chen mumbled 
"I won't mate for his politics." I said, crossing my hands 
 I'm just 16 years of age." I said childishly 
mating age, my lady." She said in  
Alright." She said, a smile  
Heh." I laugh 
*Change period into a comma 
-------------------------------- 
Guards, Let us escort our Lady 
*Uncapitalize 
--------------------------------- 
Ah Chen!!!" I screams and run as fast as 
*scream 
-------------------------- 
I hear butler Li shout. 
*Capitalize 
      
Keep it coming. 
      
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