Well, this story could use a lot of work in terms of its simplicity. But it's better than most ive read for beginners. I think you should keep at it and keep reading some of the more famous authors on here for motivation and to see what I mean about detail and depth. Like drosselmeyer, wonderbug, forthright on ff, hell there's a ton more. Inspiration. You could do really well! Good luck!
Im sorry but, HOW exactly did he make her feel hated? That l literally makes zero sense.
I love it. Sesshomaru, the perfect mix of easy going and honest about the cruel side of his nature. Frankly, people underestimate a child's ability to detect a lie. Lol
So within the first couple paragraphs there are 2 things I don't understand. You literally ended the last chapter with Ukio deciding to help sesshomaru earn kagomes love after seeing she was moved into his pups room, but started this chapter stating Ukio arrived not knowing she was moved? And you indicated in this chapter that she was 6 years old? Which doesn't make sense because she was 6 when she was kidnapped and 4 years had passed with her "owner," so wouldn't that make her 10? Maybe I need to reread. I may have missed something.
I love this "daddy" side of sesshomaru. Too sweet
That was heartwarming.... tears... very sweet. I love it.
So far I think the story is good. I like the plot idea, almost no grammatical errors, etc. But here's what I've got in the way of constructive criticism... the writing, though good, is really stiff. It's ok to use 'isn't' rather than 'is not' on occasion for example. Also, it feels like you're not fully relating to the characters, which makes it difficult for your readers to connect with the characters. I don't know how to explain it really, but it's lacking depth within the characters and the story. I think if you stayed in the moment more, really consider what raw emotions may have surfaced when kagome saw her mother murdered, or when she was about to be raped, or delve deeper into the emotions of Aiko leading up to that moment. For example, the atrocities committed by his father through childhood, especially the murder of his own mother, etc. I think you're doing great work. Just requires a little more emotion and detail ro bring it fully to its potential. Good job! :)
this was short and i don't mind that, but i was hoping it would end on a happy note. i'm glad you chose to write a sequeal to the story and i wish you would come back and finish. i'm glad that kags and sess found love toward the end, but i was sad when she died and he left his home and son. if you do finish the second part, please lat the ending be a high one instead of a low one. your writing is very good and i hope you come back and finish your stories. c'ya'
I was not expecting a tragic end to this story, however... I'm glad you stuck to it. Life isn't all happily ever after. The labour scenario you wrote seems extremely likely for a human woman giving birth to a canine hanyou, but is seldom acknowledged. Well done.
I'm enjoying this story so far, however... When and where would Kagome have heard that Sesshomaru is cold and cruel? She hasn't been with him that long, and I don't believe she would have heard much about him from her previous master. (Very minor issue)
Oh What Happened to Sesssshy??
nnnnnnnnnnnnnooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i cant be true, it musn't! but alas it is. kagome is gone from her world and into the next! to think that she would live a long and happy life with her mate. but it wasn't and for that i weep. *crying* with all the horrid things that had happened to her as a pup i thought karma would give her a long and blessed life with many children. i like how all the female demons were killer protecters of their children, even if they weren't theirs by blood. *smilling sheepishly* sorry it is currently 6 am and i haven't slept yet so i'm making alot of drama out of everything i am reading currently. keep up the great work and i thought that your story had a very sad begining. ta ta! and a good night, or morning for that matter :)
INUYASHA © Rumiko Takahashi/Shogakukan • Yomiuri TV • Sunrise 2000No money is being made from the creation or viewing of content on this site, which is strictly for personal, non-commercial use, in accordance with the copyright.